More Than Three Is Excessive

"He had a huge hole ripped in the crotch of his boxer shorts. He was one ripped-pants-crotch away from total crotch exposure."
-Nomination for contest seeking most uses of "crotch" in a realistic sentence.

Can Your Dentist Tell?

If your brush your teeth in the shower, that's considered weird but more or less acceptable. Brush your teeth while using the toilet, however, and you've entered the land of weird and most unacceptable. Location truly is everything.

Children, Children, FUTURE, FUTURE

People often tell kids they have so much to look forward to in their future. For an overwhelming majority of children, this will turn out to be an overwhelmingly false prediction. Being a kid will have been as good as it got. Yeah!

That's Super*

The word "super" has lost much of it's power if it's being used in conjunction with "Scrabble."

Other items that have a "super" label despite being less than so include:

Super 8 Motels
Super KMarts
Super Sized Meals (it's a quantity increase, not a size increase)

*But not duper

The Key To The The Key

The word "the" is used enough in the English language that the word warrants its own special key, the "THE" key, on the keyboard.

Asymptotically Approaching Accuracy

Some people with outstanding math skills are referred to as “human calculators.” It’s got to be upsetting to learn that your public identity is most similar to an inanimate object. Worse, the comparison is not entirely accurate.

Unlike many actual calculators human calculators are rarely solar powered, and when turned upside down they aren’t capable of displaying an approximation of the word “BOOBLESS.”

If you could accurately be described as a human gun, or a human knife, then you’d get the respect you deserve.

Literal Fighting Words

The expression "I'm going to kick your ass!" is not terribly frightening when taken literally. Most people could take a swift kick to the hindquarters, no matter who administers said kick.

The point is, when you want to threaten someone, be specific. "I'm going to break this here bottle on the bar and slash at your face" is substantially more menacing, and therefore, effective. Tough guy.

It's Not Very Edgy

Wearing denim jeans with tears and rips can make you look kind of cool.

Wearing denim shirts with tears and rips makes you look like a derelict.

A Working Stiff

There's something creepy about a mortician who says the best part of his job is the great people he works with.

Playing The Race Card

"The next finalist is...'Baby Hates Santa,' sent in by the Black family of Weaverville, NC!" -Bob Saget, Americas Funniest Home Videos (TRUE STORY!)

Attention Trendsetters

Despite the comfort and utility of a toga, they'll probably never be "in" again (drunken fraternity rituals not withstanding).

Megalomania XXII

There are signs on the subway that suggest you start your own "small business." That's just silly. If you're going to jump through the hoops required to start your own business, it might as well be a huge multinational.

Remember, the reason you haven't started your own business sooner isn't lack of ambition, it's an excess of ambition.

Trim to the End

The world probably doesn't need separate clippers for toenails and fingernails. The basic operating principle seems the same.

If we don't stop them now, it will only be a matter of time before there are specialized clippers for each toe of each foot and each finger of each hand. Apocalypse wouldn't be far behind.

24 Hours Of Savings!

This time (12:03am*) is pretty literally close to the dawn of television today! A whole day of programming, just for you, and it all starts now. You can watch eight hours before work, and eight hours after. We ask that you do.

*When written, time of post 12:04am

Visualize The Problem

A lot of attention is paid to nightmares, but what about logistical nightmares?
(Scene: a bedroom at night. A man and wife are asleep in bed. The man wakes up screaming, thus waking up the wife.)

Wife: Bob, it's ok...you're safe...you're in bed at home.

Husband: Huh? Wha...thank god...it was awful...

Wife: What happened?

Husband: Whoa...in my dream I had to transport...the entire population of CT to to Texas.

Wife: That doesn't sound so scary.

Husband: Do you have any idea how much work and planning that would entail?

When will medical science develop a pill for this largely irrelevant malady?

That's Legal Where I'm From

The phrase, "You're under arrest" is at least temporally accurate.

Unless you are a career criminal, you're not going to be over it for some time.

Poorly Wired Kingdom

he term "landlord" is a little grandiose. Sure, he owns the building and/or property that has your home, but is he the lord of the land?

You are sort of a vassal of his...sometimes it's tough to make the large tribute at the first of each month. You receive a reasonable amount of protection, at least from the elements.

To show his power, the landlord provides your home with 10 electric outlets in every room. It doesn't matter that only 1 in each works.

Finish the Clucker

Cock fighting has a bad name.

“Ultimate Poultry Fighting” might be more palatable.

Many Will Enter, Few Will Win

We can streamline the scratch-lottery process. To make the cycle (purchase-hope-disappointment-purchase) move with greater efficiency, the element of hope should be removed by eliminating the ticket.

A consumer walks into a lottery agent and selects the ticket they'd like to play. The salesperson takes their dollar, gives no ticket and says with a smile, "You didn't win. Would you like to play again?"

The consumer nods, hands the salesperson another dollar, and the wheel of life continues to turn.

It's A Fact

Declarative statements are bullshit.*

*Except that one.

Go Mail Yourself

If you have a self-addressed stamped envelope (SASE), don't send it to anyone. An envelope capable of addressing itself could fetch millions on eBay.

Pack a Bowl

Modern times sure are hard. You can pinpoint where the real trouble all began: when it was decided that you had to send UPC codes back to the cereal company to claim the prize advertized on the box.

In days gone by, the "golden"* days, you didn't have to wait six to eight weeks to get the awesome toy or ring or whatever, just six to eight breakfasts.

*As in the Grahams

I've Been More Lost

You've been saying today's labyrinths aren't challenging enough for far too long. Talk is cheap, so get cracking on a structure that puts the "maze" back in the misspelling of "amazeing."

Ask Me About My Problem

Some items of clothing and accessories are perfectly fine on their own, unacceptable when paired up.

Exhibit A: Sunglasses and hooded sweatshirts. Each taken independently are practical, fashionable solutions to common problems (the sun, a chill, respectively). Together, they spell "weirdo with something to hide."

As an interesting side note, the Unabomber was busy with a lot of dirty work, but he apparantly found time to stay clean shaven.

So Long, Grimy Vacuum

When science perfects the technology, there will be a robot to clean your cleaning machines.

A Tether Might Be Practical

On the one hand, it would be convenient to magically compress all of your worldly belongings so it all fits in a wallet. All your stuff could be with you always, a plus for the modern person-on-the-go.

On the other hand, the severity of misplacing your wallet would really ratchet up a couple of notches.

Nit Picking

In case the saying about what happens when monkeys see things is true, we should keep monkeys from watching movies like Congo and King Kong.

Dunston Checks In can go on the safe list.

Sandwiches Demand Meat

You walk into the kitchen just thinking you'll throw some ham on bread. Suddenly, without warning, it happens. You're in the middle of making a great sandwich. Once you saw all the ingredients available, you knew this wasn't going to be an ordinary ham on bread affair.

You're making a triple decker. You're not gonna do this again for awhile, so make it worthy of the occasion.

We're All Blue Bloods

People will often say to the son or daughter of a boxer (or alcoholic), "You've got fighting (or drinking) in your blood."

If this has ever been said to you, get to a good hematologist ASAP.

Living For Casual Friday

If you’ve never had to wear a ridiculous hat as part of a work uniform, be thankful. If you’re living the ridiculous hat situation, quit your job immediately.

You have to wear a ridiculous hat at work, how much worse could things be?

WWTF

Advertising on the radio is a good way to corner the market on the elderly, conservative crackpots, technophobes and those with no desire to listen to good music. Quite a lucrative demographic.

Mondale and Ferraro in '84

Bumper stickers are a great way to let other motorists know you don't care how your car looks.

Capes Give It Away

If you ever discover that you can fly, keep it to yourself for a bit. The only thing better than being able to fly is springing it on friends and loved ones at the appropriate moment.

(You and a friend stand on a rooftop overlooking the city at sunset)

You: What a gorgeous sunset.

Soon-to-be-stunned friend: Yep. Sure is.

You: Man...well, see ya later! (flying off)

Formerly soon-to-be-stunned friend: WTF?!

You: (from an increasing distance/height) I'll call you tomorrow about seeing that movie.

If your friend ever brings it up, deny it, and never fly in front of that friend again. It'll take discipline, but it'll be worth to make a good friend think they're crazy.

Not Proven Untrue

Pert Plus probably wanted to be called Perm Plus (as in the thing one does to hair) but there was a switch up on the prototype label that no one ever bothered to correct.

Contacting Pert Plus for comment yields no confirmation, but no denial. It does yield a variety of FAQs phrased with your increased purchasing of Pert Plus in mind.

Paper Clip? Be Real

Compared to the “Yes, sir, right away, sir” attitude of the stapler, the “I’ll do as I please” staple remover is something of a badass.

Compared to nearly anything else, a staple remover is fairly unexceptional.

Less Poisonous Than Ever!

For some reason, ads and boxes for television sets still occasionally announce "color" as a feature. One would think that this feature would be unnecessary to advertise, as the days of black and white TV went out with separate tvs for blacks and whites.

It's kind of like posting "Cholera-Free" on a bottle of water. One should hope so, whether it's stated or not.

"Now Cholera-Free!" is perhaps more disturbing, particularly if you have a history of drinking that brand of water.

Mach 6 Is Coming

A recent commercial for the Gillette Fusion razor, a razor with five blades (+1 “for precision” on the back) invites you to enter a new world of shaving excellence. The new razor, you are told, is a combination of “a revolutionary technology” and “a unique idea.”

A five bladed razor? No way! That kind of outside the box invention will change the world, in a manner not unlike the TV, or a slightly larger TV.

First it was one blade…then two…then three…then briefly four…and now five? That’s a revolution you want to be a part of, based on the most unique idea this side of reality TV.

RIP BLT

Cemeteries are kind of depressing places. The oppressive mood could be lightened if more entertaining information was carved into tombstones. For example, instead of the date of death, the memorial stone could contain a brief description of the last sandwich the deceased ever ate.

John Wertzben
B. August 28, 1929
A well-prepared tuna melt.

"Man...he loved his tuna melts. Right up until the end. You wanna go get one?"

As a bonus, the local sandwich industries, often ignored in the grieving process, would enjoy a much needed bump in sales.

No Offense to Scotland

Recent studies have confirmed that it is, in fact, impossible to be "good" at playing the bagpipes.

Put another way, when it comes to bagpipes, the gap between sounding good and sounding bad is negligible.

Do It For The Articles

Has the Internet rendered your stacks and stacks of pornogrphic magazines useless? Don't just throw them away. Instead, go to a mattress store with the dirtiest magazines (read: not classy like Playboy, but trashy like Juggs). Out of consideration for those who might ever look for pono in a mattress store, put it in the first place they'd look: under each mattress in the showroom.

If anyone asks what you are doing, you can buy their silence with erotica.

Possible*

Sensible planning for unlikely realities can pay off big in the long run. If gravity is suddenly reversed, or the dead rise and consume the living, do you have a plan? The panic of the moment is not conducive to effective decision making.

Spend a few moments each day jotting down rational solutions to unconventional "emergencies," such as the discovery of robots from another planet (or this planet) bent on total destruction. In the midst of the chaos of the unprepared, your prior proper planning could save not just your own ass, but the ass of mankind.

*But not probable

Praise Be (Flat)

If there is a God, there's a good chance he's annoyed with whole congregations of people who chose to "worship" him by singing off-key.

Shopping Daylindrome*

Spend the first half of your day buying all kinds of items: clothes, electronics, nutritional supplements, that kind of thing. After a break in the middle of the day, go back to the store where you purchased the last thing of the morning (be it the shirt, TV, Stacker-2, whatever it was). During the second half of the day, continue returning things in the reverse of the order you purchased them. At the end, you will have undone everything you did, in a financial sense.

You're at sum zero for the day, which you can only achieve by the method above, or by not getting out of bed.

*Day + Palindrome = Daylindrome

Maybe Don't Bring a Resume

Being featured in a documentary has many consequences, some good, some bad. If the topic is controversial ("Activities of the Modern Klan") or illegal ("Compulsive Shoplifters: Steal the Rush"), the scales are tipped in the favor of bad, particularly when it comes to future employment opportunities.

Candidate: "Well, I think you'll agree I'm well qualified."

Employer: "True, but I have watched you freebase cocaine in a moving vehicle."

Candidate: "That was the past, but I'll assume I'm not hired?"

Employer: "Oh, the ways that you are not hired..."

Be sure to send a thank you note.

Cogito Ergo Cum

Context is everything, except in the case of pornography, when it's nothing. Some pornographic films ("porno") try to give a little backstory, pun intended, but it's ultimately pointless.

No one has ever started watching a porno in the middle and thought "Sure, they ARE bangin'...but why?"

Valid Until It's Not

Hollow phrases abound in advertising, but the meaningless statements below are among the best.

"Offer valid while supplies last!"

You mean you'll run out of the product at some point? That's hard to believe. Truly "special" is the offer for a product that is available in infinite quantities.

"This is a limited time offer."

Now you're saying the offer isn't good until the end of time? Garbage.

"Only available at participating locations."

The offer should be accpted, no, celebrated, everwhere in the known/unkown universe, including locations that don't participate, such as your grandmother's house.

"Void where prohibited."

A real deal is above the authorities, valid even where expressly prohibited by state and federal laws.

Going Up Yours?

You’ve been there. You’ve gotten into an elevator, and as the doors are closing, you see someone else running to try to make it to the elevator car before the doors close. Since you’ve clearly noticed them, maybe even made eye contact, you frantically lunge for the “door open” button. This is so the runner doesn’t think you’re a total ass.

Since we often assume everyone is out to get us, from the runner’s perspective, you are lunging wildly for the “door close” button. Not only do you look malicious, you look like you couldn’t wait to inflict your own brand of harm.

Potato Potato

Let's say you see a bunch of celebrities in one day. Actress Meg Ryan, weatherman Al Roker, reality TV mega-couple Trista and Ryan...all in one day.

Depending on your perspective, your day was either celebrity-filled (love em!) or celebrity-ridden (suck it!).

"Only Four Left In Stock"*

If you question the intellectual curiosity of a person reading Big Foot: Exposed!, you're probably not alone. They might be better off not reading, or at least making their own stuff up.

*This message appeared on the Amazon.com page for the book at the time this was posted.

Better, or Worse?

There are many obvious downsides to a world suddenly without light or electricity, plunged into eternal darkness. One such downside would be the end of humanity in its current form.

An upshot to a world cloaked in a permanent darkness would be that you could finally stop worrying about accidentally breaking or losing your glasses. Frankly, it's kind of a weird obsession to begin with.