Dear ATM Deposit Screen

Ask not "how much WOULD* you like to deposit," ask "how much WILL* you deposit."
-Alternate reality JFK

Mr. President is right. Wanting to deposit a billion dollars and being able to do so are very different things.

*what it says at Citibank ATMs when you deposit funds
**what it should say

First Name: Ralph

That hamburger loving thief at left has a brother, the Vomburglar. Instead of swiping subpar patties, the Vomburglar regurgitates trouble. And also whatever he ate that day.

The classic vomburglarly scenario unfolds when, cleaning up after a wild party, you find a spot of vom for which no one takes responsibility. Before blaming your friends, consider a more disturbing possibility: You've been vomburgled!

Sigh and clean it up.

Funny, Ghoulish*

Someone with time and resources, please make a trailer for the movie AND THE BAND PLAYED ON, as if it were comedy, using Ween's "The HIV Song" as the musical backdrop.

*An early Halloween present!

Attention, Attention

"Dan's set from Friday, October 27 at the Gotham Comedy Club has been added to the 'Dan's Stand Up' link. Special thanks to RI for coming to the show." -Bullhorn

Bullhorn, you so informative.

Anyone Can See (Not Literally)

Braille is a good idea, but it has its shortcomings, including: how do blind people know where the panel is in the first place?

"Groping blindly" indeed.

Don't Serve Meatloaf

“Paradise by the Dashboard Light” is a crowd favorite at wedding receptions. It’s a little silly, and if you think about it, kind of gross.

For those not familiar, the song’s about (in this order): making out, groping, “heavy petting” and, ultimately, intercourse. In a car.

Odds are good you’re drunkenly screaming lyrics describing the above with/to members of your family.

Dinosaurs: Brought To You By Asteroids

Philip-Morris, maker of Marlboro cigarettes, has websites and ads to show their commitment to helping those who want to quit smoking.

Why would any smoker use them as a resource? It's like trying to quit drinking with your official AA sponsor, Jack Daniel's.

You: Jack, sorry to call so late, but I feel like having a drink.

JD: Go for it.

At Least You're Eating Steak

Saving the good stuff, no matter what it is, for a "special occasion" doesn't make much sense. Why not save it for the particularly bleak times?

When you've been laid off; that's when you want a vintage wine, porterhouse or fine cigar.

Gentlemen, You'll Agree

"Nuts 4 Nuts" better only be the name of the candied-nut vendor's cart in Central Park. It'd be a real bummer if it was also the going exchange rate.

It's Not "Pepper and Salt"

In the salt/pepper relationship, pepper is certainly riding the coat tails of salt.

On a table, salt without pepper is odd but tolerable. Pepper without salt is unacceptable, almost insulting.

Shakey Foundation

When you see someone applying makeup on public transportation, you can bet they care about looking good, but not great.

Rhapsody in Vanilla

The Whitney, a museum in NYC, is one dropped letter away from sounding like a caucasian-only tourist destination.

Not Even While You Work

Whistling is a lot like stealing from a charity. It's fun for you, but if anyone hears you're doing it, they're going to want to hurt you.

Also, We Should Barb More Things

Barbed wire is supposed to deter people from entering an area. Maybe barbed wire tattoos are a way of saying "Hey, stay out of my bicep/ankle!"

Those tattoos are generally pretty lame. If you really want people to think you're a tough guy/gal, wrap a length of real barbed wire around your arm.

Debt Without Honor

The powers that be put certain commercials in certain time slots, all to reach their target demographics. Thus, during the news, you're more likely to see ads for elder-care products. During Meet the Press you'll see more ads for luxury sedans.

If the TV you are watching features lots of advertisements for debt consolidation services, the odds are good you're not part of a great demographic. Sorry, fans of the 3am showing of Growing Pains on TBS!

Attention, Attention

"Video from Dan's 10/11/06 set at the New York Comedy Club can be found by clicking the "Dan's Stand Up" link. It's a good one."
-Bullhorn

Watch it with the editorializing, bullhorn. Even if you're right.

Tic-Tacky

No matter how funny it seems to you, your friend with the uncontrollable facial tic will probably not like the custom bobblehead doll you had made for their birthday.

"Enjoy this constant reminder of your personal misfortune! And Happy Birthday"

Facts: They Happened

At the end of the trailer for the new film Marie Antoinette, the announcer informs the viewer that this movie is "based on a true story." Really? A movie about a well known historical figure?

If this trend continues, previews for movies like X-Men 3 or Ant Bully will one day be capped with "NOT based on a true story." Just so everyone's clear.

Noted Whoops Are Generally Small

There are a handful of situations that could reasonably be considered big whoops, both in the "this IS a big deal" and "this IS a mistake" senses.

There Is No Loo

"Sorry, there are no public restrooms. Thank you. --The Management"

Per this sign in a Harlem laundromat, public restrooms don't exist; they're a myth.

Whoa.

Loot Is Always Falling Out Of Pockets And Such

Unless you are:

-a grandparent playing with a child
-a child yourself
-on a bomb squad

you're going to look like a total chump when using a metal detector. You certainly won't be detecting any new friends.*

*Unless they're made of metal, of course.

E-G-I-E Whoa

You use "e.g." when you want to give an example of something.
-I like candy, e.g., Snickers, Warheads and Starbursts.

You use "i.e." when you want to specifically name something you just referenced.
-I like that spooky holiday, i.e., Halloween.

You point out the difference when you want to look like a dick.

Men's Health, Ladies?

A world without boundaries is a little bit closer every time you see someone reading a magazine of which they are not the target demographic.

Examples of this include the white woman reading Ebony or the black guy reading Caucasians Today.

A Day Late for Yom Kippur*

Did you know that the popular music group "The Beatles" were originally called "The Beatlesteins"?

They never officially apologized to their Jewish fans for the change.

*Sorry!

Make Ready the Preparations

September is National Preparedness Month.

You heard the month; plan for anything and everything.

Moon York City*

Cities on the moon will no doubt be named after old fashioned Earth cities.

And therein lies the only real trouble with colonizing the moon.

If your friend says he's going to London, you would have to reasonably inquire, "London, UK or London, Moon?"

Who needs to ask more questions?


*Possible alternate names include the New Moon City and the Big Moon