A Quest Most Magical, Chaste

A fantasy-themed tattoo is another great way to let the rest of the world in on your commitment to celibacy.

Look Out For #1*

Remember, restrooms are generally for customers only. If you don't plan on buying anything, just use an out of the way corner, perhaps behind a sale rack.

*A philosophy/warning

Sweet-Cream Pie

The downside of a robust, niche-oriented porno industry is that certain phrases, once innocuous, now have a dirtier connotation.

Mention "water sports" in a large diverse crowd and you'll very likely hear a few chuckles.

Things: They're All Around

Just because you can't purchase something doesn't mean it shouldn't be advertised heavily for no reason. The following campaigns may saturate your life soon.

Wealth: Because You're Not Poor Anymore

Sleep: You've Got To Sometime

ESP: Know What I Mean?

Other Planets: You'll Never Go There

Bovine PR

FACT: Leather is luxurious, but cows are not.

FA CT: Steak is a treat, but cows are not.

FACT: Cows need to seek better representation.

Make It A Good Vibe

Before getting too involved in sex toys, know the dildos and dildon'ts.

To Prove The Name Is BS

Draw first blood with a safety pin.

David Ian Karn Is Actually Nice

Somewhere in the world there's a vegetarian with the initials BBQ.

Bernice or Bernard or Beatrice is most certainly tired of people pointing out the irony.*

*Sure, you can BBQ veggies, but that's not really BBQ

Get High Returns

The Wall Street Journal has a section entitled "Money and Investing."

This is certainly a redundancy. It'd be like High Times having a separate section devoted to marijuana.

Bespoke OshKosh B'Gosh

Large, ill fitting suits can make a 40 year old man look like a 12 year old trying on his father's suit.

There is, however, no suit in the world that can make a 12 year old boy look like a 40 year old man.

Focus On Your Craft

Zombies, with their flesh-eating prowess, are really just cannibals that are highly efficient at realizing their goals.

Also, zombies are undead.

Let's Call the Whole Stain Off

Though based on a strikingly similar premise, dropping a (unsliced) tomato on a white couch has a far more pleasant outcome than dropping (unbottled) ketchup on the same couch.

Especially if it's not your couch.

Moving Theater*

Riding the subway is like a bizarre urban "Gong Show," only you can't change the channel and there's no gong.

If you're very lucky, there might be unexpected hecklers for the unexpected performers.

*Theatre, if you insist

That's Why They Don't Exist

Stairs going up and down aid transportation.

Stairs aligned in a sideways fashion would only be an obstacle.

WTF Are You Doing Here?

Seeing lightning bugs in New York City is surprising. Kind of like stumbling upon a yellow cab in the woods.

On a related note, lightning bugs add a touch of whimsy to the homeless person they surround, but only a touch.

Terror Alert Level: Ridiculous

In a way, FOX News is essentially comedy central.

You Say Gambling, I Say Investing

Found comedy: A scratch off lottery ticket, the theme of which is "#1 Dad!".

Buying scratch off lottery tickets is textbook good-father behavior. Especially tickets that remind you a)what a good father you are or b)what a good father you have.

Maybe Meta

If there's not yet a necktie featuring a pattern made up of neckties, consider the idea claimed.

In The Vein of What "Love Means"

Getting stabbed means never having to say "I haven't been stabbed" ever again.

No Offense, Northern Neighbor

For commercial actors, getting signed to a national campaign is a pretty big deal.

It's less impressive if the nation in question is, say, Canada.

100% Money Back Guarantee

A good* way to get famous is to obsess about something or someone. REALLY obsess, now.

Give it a couple of years, you'll do something crazy... boom, you're famous!

*More bad than good

Suddenly I Had Thousands

The word "collection" has a different connotation when used with stamps than it does when used in conjunction with assorted poisons.

A Real Tease

Pole-dancing, while erotic, involves virtually no movement on the pole’s behalf.

Country line dancing, while lame, is at least honestly named.

Hurry Up And Wait

It's counterintuitive* to wait for an express train.

*And often counterproductive

Chill/Pass Out

Waving a fan to cool oneself seems like more trouble then it's worth. It's kind of like using a bicycle-powered generator to keep an A/C going.

Satisfying, Lame

If you one day find yourself saying "well, this sweep is going great," you're probably no longer cool.*

*Possibly never were!

We The Average People

Since the birth of the United States so many years ago, society has placed an unrealistically high value on excellence. Many have entered (to be excellent), few have won (at being excellent).

For the next hundred years or so, let's just shoot for widespread competence*.

*Competence: The silver standard.

Lost: This Item

You can make other people's lives more interesting by putting messages on items you're likely to loose, such as lighters and keys. A label maker, or access to one, will aid this endeavor.


Two fine options include:

"If found, call 911"

and

"I've been watching you."

The Deadly Arts and Crafts

We have safety scissors for kids; where are the danger scissors for the risk takers in life?

Using regular scissors in a dangerous fashion (e.g., running with) is not enough.

Get A Leg Up, Too

Proofreading is important. There’s a sign out in the world that reads “Now it’s your turn to get a head.” One can assume they mean “ahead”, but you never know. Maybe it is time for you to get a head.

That ad is also one dropped letter away from the better marketing/less appropriate, “Now it’s your turn to get head.”

9 Out Of 10 Masochists...

...prefer crushed ice.*


*The 10th prefers his drinks lukewarm, as a chilled beverage is a luxury he would deny even himself.

We're Watching You...Save!

A strange feeling: ordering something online and discovering the vendor already has your credit card info on file. Bonus points if you can't remember agreeing to this earlier.

Sometimes, they'll go right ahead and fill in the credit card info for you, expiration date and all, without the needless step of asking you.

What a chilling convenience!

Just Do Something!

In the short-term, few emergencies are made better by the introduction of broken glass into the mix.

Smooth As Half A Baby's Bottom

It's going to take some very brave pioneers, but the half-beard will one day be the most popular facial hair option in town.

See BRAINS, A-12

If you ever see the word "zombie" in the headline of a newspaper article, read the whole thing post haste.

It's only a matter of time before these articles stop being movie reviews and start becoming current events.

NED4SPED

No matter what letters and numbers are on a custom license plate, they all say essentially the same thing: DBAG

Rub You Long Time

Chairs with built in massage systems might sell a little better if they included a "Happy Ending" option.