Attention, Attention

"In honor of business trips to Los Angeles where time to blog will be non-existent, there will likely be no new posts until Saturday, March 3. Consider browsing the archives. "-Bullhorn

Spot on, Bullhorn. Oddly specific, but spot on.

Bring The Family!

There's not much funny about abortion, but there's a lot funny about a nationwide chain of abortion clinics called "Babies 'R'nt Us."*

If you come up with the commercial that makes that brand palpable, you're marketer of the year.

*Just imagine that the R is facing the other way.

Jeopardy Themed Heading For $500

Many television markets have started showing Jeopardy in high defintion (HD).

At first, you might not think it's necessary for a quiz show to be presented in HD, but then you notice how sharp the contestants look!

Balls To This

Fruit of the Loom makes lots of things, but they're most famous for men's underwear. Given that, how come the logo includes no banana?

A Big -Ing Difference

Snow in the city is only pretty as it's falling. When it's melting, it appears to turn to garbage.

Seek Self-Help

Toy with strangers in your local bookstore by reaching for the same book they're going for at the same time. Make awkward eye contact to add depth to the experience.

The first time you do this, they'll think it's a strange coincidence. The fifth time, they'll probably want to know what your problem is.

Explain that you're a crazy person who attempts vaguely humorous things you read about on the internet. Works every time.*

*"Works" in this context meaning "confuses people further."

Reading, Writing, Raising the Dead

The universe is expected to consist largely (96%) of dark matter and dark energy. We need to give the children of earth the skills they need for the world they live in, so a curriculum richer in the dark arts might be more appropriate.

Go Honk Yourself

A car horn usually means "Hey, look out idiot!", but just as often says "Hey, look out, I AM an idiot."

This Makes Sense...No, "Cents"...No, Sense Was Right

In a world of total financial equality, the average cost of a unicycle would be exactly 50% of the average cost of a bicycle.

Appearing Stupid To Look Good

Runners are prone to looking silly, perhaps never more so than when they jog in place at intersections, bouncing from foot to foot as if to say, "I'm THIS committed to my exercise."

The motion, more laborious than standing still, is not a necessary part of the workout. If you want constant motion, get thee to a treadmill.

This "running in place" also sets a dangerous precedence. If it became common for your average pedestrian to pantomime the walking motion while stopped at a crosswalk, incidents of strangers pushing people into moving traffic would skyrocket.

A Beefy, -Ronied Year

At $1.49 a can, if you could subsist on one can of Beefaroni a day, you'd be able to eat for the whole year for only $543.85. If you were smart, and bought the year's supply all at once, you'd probably get a bulk discount.

Then again, you'd also be buying 365 cans of Beefaroni, which suggests you're not that smart, so best to forget about that discount.

Assuming You're Not Royalty

Regicide is a tough rap to beat. You could always consider playing the class card.

Demand Answers

How come fingers are the only appendages worthy of specialized puppets?

Just Do It Privately

You can bet the guy who coined the phrase "Winning isn't everything, it's the only thing" masturbated with extra vigor the night he came up with that gem.

Not That You Don't Rule

It might seem like your pet loves you, but there's a good chance that's just because they don't know anyone else.

Good Offense

Painting your face to show your support of a football team is fine, but you really shouldn't do the same in support of Black History Month.

On My Head?

"We're putting our money where your hair isn't."
-The bewildering slogan of the hair-restoring product Avacor.

Bald and broke men around the country rejoice. You don't need a wig when you've got a stack of Washingtons on your dome.

Who Asked The Monkeys?

If an old man steps on an apple core and falls, it's a tragedy. If the same old man steps on a banana peel and falls, it's hilarity.

How did the banana become the wacky fruit, one associated with things zainy and screwball? Other fruits that have associations are kind of negative:

Lemon = poor quality
Grapes = potentially sour
Tomatoes* = potentially rotten
Apples = not oranges
Oranges = not apples

*It's got seeds, it's a fruit