My Rubble Is On Fire

From a dry cleaning tag:

The stain on this garment could not be safely removed. While COMPANY NAME uses the most advanced cleaning processes, we regret it was not possible to remove the stain without risking damage to your garment.

It was not possible to apply the stain without damaging the garment. At present, the garment is, by definition, already damaged. Bring on the big guns!

You + Me = Us

Someone thoughtfully reading an enrollment brochure = he or she is contemplating a positive life change

This slightly algebraic statement will remain true until the Klan and the Neo-Nazis start investing substantially more in enrollment brochures.

Just Make It An Even 40*

Buying postage stamps is quite the emotional rollercoaster.

When you need stamps, you never have them; you always end up asking someone who’s better prepared (DEPENDENCY). Eventually you’ll summon the wherewithal to buy stamps (INSPIRED). Armed with 20 or so of the postal currency, you go on your way (SATISFIED). Suddenly, a dark thought enters your mind (DOUBT).

Why didn’t you have stamps in the first place? Oh...that’s right, very few occasions call for stamps these days (D’OH). You’re better off asking the better prepared (SUCKERS).

*Cents

Go Someplace, But Close

A four day weekend is outstanding because it's usually followed by a four day work-week. Thank God it's generally impossible for a five or more day weekend to be followed by a five or more day work-week.

It's Still A Solution

"If I were you, I'd go back in time and make a better decision" is not the most helpful advice.

That being said, keep saying it to people; you never know when you'll meet someone with the ability to travel through time.

Make 6-Month Daddy Proud

Want the joy of kids without the hassle of raising them? Adopt a 17.5 year old "child." Impart your knowledge, shower the child with love and support, and then kick them on the curb the day they turn 18. The gravy train doesn't last forever.

After you've sent your child packing, go enjoy a martini and reflect on how difficult it is to be a parent these days.

Hooked On Phonixxx

Having trouble remembering when to use "good" and when to use "well"? Keep this simple saying in mind: You know you're doing well if the head you're getting is good.

Save More on A Baker's Dozen

The expression "a dime a dozen" is tossed around somewhat recklessly these days. It's meant to imply a worthlessness, but it should really imply a sense of value.

If something's a dime a dozen, that's less than 9/10ths of a cent per piece, and for most things, that's a steal.

Time is Relative

In movies and on TV, characters in situations where time is at a premium frequently need to ask others for help. The following exchange often results:

Character: "How long will X (where X is the help requested) take?
Helper: "An hour"
Character: "That's no good, I need it in 10."
Helper: "[Character name], that's not possible!"
Character: "Do what you have to do, I'm counting on you." (helper nods)

The time it takes to do something might have a little wiggle room, but a lot of processes just take as long as they take; it's not personal or flexible in a crisis. Demanding it take less time won't do the trick.

Character: "How long will this dry cleaning take?"
Helper: "An hour."
Character: "That's no good, I need it in 10."
Helper: "It's dry cleaning, [character name], it takes an hour."
Character: "Damn! But I'll wait..."

Who All Cares?*

Correcting another's grammar aint* ever appreciated. If you do this, consider stopping.

Members of the grammar police are like the boy in the following scenario:

A boy is invited to a friend's house to use his Slip 'N Slide. When he arrives, the boy feels compelled to point out that the water slide available for use isn't a Slip 'N Slide, as advertised, but a Crocodile Mile. (See link for original Crocodile Mile commercial)

Don't be a jerk; just slide down the wet tarp.

*Intentionally poor grammar. Any other errors are just that.

Ask Me About These Colors

There is a bumper sticker you may have noticed:

9-11-01 [image of a waving flag here]
We Will Never Forget


If you'll never forget, why bother with the bumper sticker? Must be to make sure no one else ever forgets, which would likely happen without the aid of such educational bumper stickers.

Those Gutters Won't Clean Themselves*

If you invented an extension ladder that collapses to the size and weight of a pack of cigarettes, you'd be a rich individual.

To accomplish this feat, you'd probably have to be some kind of wizard, which is at least as useful as being a rich, successful inventor.

*Or will they? If the inventor of the cig-pack-sized ladder is involved...yes.

Egress Stress

Emergency exits should remain open at all times. It's the only way you can guarantee they'll be open in an emergency.

This might put a few emergency door manufacturers out of business, but the collective gain in peace of mind will be worth it.

(Picture rhymes with Smartra)

Going My Way?

Sometimes you'll get off public transportation and find yourself walking behind a stranger who also got off at the same stop. Suddenly, blocks and blocks have passed and you're still unintentionally tailing this person. You notice, but they can't, by dint of them not having eyes in the back of their head.

For the first couple of minutes it's just an innocent coincidence; you're just two people walking in the same general direction.

Three hours later, you're definitely dabbling in the dark art of stalking.

Hammer Pants Were Cool Once, Too

Popped collars are known to make others want to slit the throat of the popped collar wearer. This is possibly an excessively strong reaction to a fashion choice, but it is an obnoxious look.*

It's a good thing that a popped collar affords a modicum of additional throat and neck protection.

*See also: a sweater tied about the shoulders in a jaunty manner.

As At The Buffet*

New York City rent is exceedingly expensive, but it does often include heat and hot water. The sensible New Yorker will try to get the most value out of their apartment by taking seven hour hot showers and keeping the heat on full blast every day of the year.

*Eat all you can eat; a simple value proposition

Your 1 Cent

If you walk around thinking that spotting and grabbing a "tails up" penny will actually bring you bad luck, put aside that silly notion. You know what's worse than bad luck?

Poverty!

Nea-Frigerator*

The stove is an iconic kitchen appliance, sure, but it's second in command to the stately refrigerator, mostly for reasons antibacterial.

It's imperative to store food in a cold environment; heating it is optional. Even when cooking food is necessary (chicken, anyone?), there are other ways to do it (sidewalk, shower steam, etc.).

When you're looking to keep something suitably chilled, there's really only the fridge. Out of respect for the superiority of the icebox, the following name change is the best course of action:

Goodbye, stove. Hello, defrigerator!

*New name for garbage can. No frigeration needed there. (Rhymes with "yay-frigerator")

Camel Balls*

The artificial flavor "watermelon" is infinitely more intense than watermelon the fruit. This is a tribute to the power of modern chemical magic or sugar. Definitely one of those.

Also, a fruit named after a flavorless liquid is lucky to enjoy any semblance of taste, let alone popularity, at all.

*The name watermelons went by for dozens of years

I Will*

When you pass a wedding in a public space (a park, a beach), make a short list of the ways you could ruin their special day, as well as the pros and cons associated with each approach. You could:

-run through the reception screaming like mad (PRO=you will get attention, it's good to scream it out CON=you'll just be written off as a crazy person)
-confidently walk up to the makeshift alter, start to speak to the bride, and then pass out (PRO=very dramatic, people will wonder what you had to say CON=next steps are tricky to execute, you're boned if there's a doctor around)

While you should probably just let the bride, groom and assorted guests enjoy the celebration in peace, a list will allow you to make a sensible decision

*Make a scene

Takes One To Know One

Misspell "success" and you've accidentally highlighted something you're not.

Fresh Air...Times Square

New York City retail stores can be extravagantly useless. The Prada store, for example, offers countless shoes and bags costing in excess of $1,000. Less than 1/10 of of 1% of New Yorkers (presumably) are able to shop at such a store. This elitism must stop.

It's time for a store that offers items no one in NYC needs, not just things most can't afford.

Imagine the Times Square branch of the Tractor Supply Company. "At last," the city would collectively exclaim, "an equal opportunity insult to pragmatism!"

If Balancing Paid The Rent

See that homeless fella with the shopping cart? Amazing how much stuff he crams on there. Bags of cans, assorted single boots, bags containing yet more bags...and none of it ever falls off.

Back when he had a home to play in, he probably kicked ass at Jenga.

The #1 Train Is Running Express

Apartment listings will often highlight a renovated bathroom that features "subway tiling." At first glance, tiles in the subway style might seem an odd choice for residential bathrooms. When you consider how much the subway smells like piss, it's a bit easier to see how the connection was originally made.

More Like Traitor Joe's

It doesn't matter how nice your pile of fresh pelts is, specialty supermarket chain Trader Joe's will not give you squat in exchange. They will, however, counter your offer with an offer to leave the store immediately.

Tip Your Waitress, Not The TV

If it's late, you're drunk and you're watching TV, don't bother flipping through the guide. It's an exercise in futility.

You know that you'll be satisfied with whatever inanity catches your attention at the moment, so let the TV guide YOU.

The best laid plans of mice and men often go astray, especially after hours of libations.

That's One Hot Dog*

To those with multiple pets: When your home catches fire, you won't have time to think about which ones escape with you and which ones perish in the flames. To save time and stress, prioritize your animals before hand.

This way, when the time comes, you'll be prepared to take the cat with you, even if it means the rabbit burns.

*Literally!

Much Sexier Than Flab

"The Ab Lounge XL has belts tightening and eyes popping!" -From an ad for the Ab Lounge XL

That really doesn't sound too appealing.

Even When It's Not

"At MTA (Metropolitan Transport Authority) New York City transit, every day is Earth Day." -from a sign on the subway.

Every day is April 22 for the MTA? Bizarre.

It Didn't Pay For Itself?

Remember, all programming, public access not withstanding, is paid programming.

Will I Ever Run Again?*

Races for charity are good things, but sometimes the people in the race are in need of a little charity themselves.

At the 2006 Revlon Run/Walk For Women, a cancer-research fundraiser, there was a young man who needed more calcium and a decent pair of shorts.

To his credit, though, there is something particularly hardcore about running (RUNNING, not jogging) a fundraiser in thick denim jeans. Also he had two broken arms (TRUE STORY!).

* "Of course you will, it's your arms that are busted"-some doctor

We Do Need Some Stinkin' Badges

Merit badges need to expand beyond the scouts, both girl and boy varieties. It's a matter of practicality. If you're decent at a skill (archery? elder care?), let the world know.

In a pinch, wouldn't it be great to know who can sew a button or orienteer, without the frustration of having to ask the world at large? Just check the sleeves of those around you.

OMG, LOLZ*

"Predictive text", a feature on cell phones that allows the phone to guess what word you're trying to spell when drafting a text message, is theoretically a good idea. In practice, it often falls short.

If you want to send a friend a text calling him or her a "bitch," and you might want to do so for a variety of reasons, using predictive text you'll wind up calling them a "citag."

"Citag" lacks the force, crudeness and meaning of "bitch." In short, don't expect someone's feeling to be hurt by your text messages.

*Translation: Oh my god, LOLZ

Let The Record Show

Good news! There's no legitimate reason to stress if you greet someone and accidentally say, "Good Morning!" when it is past 11:59am.

You shouldn't feel compelled to correct yourself. It is entirely unnecessary to say, "Oops, I mean good afternoon." Why?

The odds that the person to whom you are speaking cares, even in the slightest, are spectacularly low.

Console Casting

If you see someone in the real world that looks EXACTLY like a character from a video game, carefully consider whether or not to tell them.

If they agree with the comparison, you could be rewarded with gold coins; if they disagree, a fireball-themed punishment might be enforced.

Beneath Text

If anyone asks you to read between the lines, remind them that traditionally there's nothing there. Then duck, because they may attempt to punch you in your smart mouth.

A Reading From The Book Of John

Toilet paper could just as easily come in book form. Simply tear out the pages you need and you're good to go (or you're good after you've gone).

As a bonus, sales of bathroom-sized bookcases and shelves would substantially increase.

Is Something Burning?

When the sun begins the process of burning out, expanding to consume the earth and everything on it, most of us can be thankful we’ll have died 4 billion years previously.

A certain homeless man in NYC might feel differently, as he would “…rather die with everyone than die all alone.” (TRUE STORY!)

These All Seem In Order*

If you live in a walk up in NYC, or visit friends in one, you might notice security measures are not always logically applied.

There is at least one apartment building in Harlem that features a front door one can push open. There's a lock, but it is never engaged. (TRUE STORY!)

If you want to experience the security of a lock on an entrance to this building, just climb up six flights to the roof. The door to the roof is both locked and protected by an alarm. (TRUE STORY!)

As everyone knows, most crime in NYC occours at the "canopy" level.

*Priorities, that is

Say AAAAAAAAHHHH*

Ask your doctor if she's pissed about all the ads that advise patients to ask their doctor if [INSERT NEW PILL NAME HERE] is right for them.

*AAAAAAAAHHHH in the frustrated way, not scared

Fat Is In

Obesity is an epidemic in the real world and in televised depictions of the real world.*

A glance recent program schedule listed "627lb Woman: Jackie's Story" and "The 750 Pound Man" airing back to back on separate channels.

This is big.

*aka, "Reality TV"