Imagine It...Colder

"Should This Food Be An Ice Cream Flavor?"*
-#1 on the list of meetings that have happened ten times or fewer

*"avocado" and "patty melt" did not make it to market

You Look Like Food

"Attention Zoo visitors: Please run for your life." -The best zoo anouncement you'll (likely) never hear.

Not Sacred*

It's weird that some people are afflicted with phobias and others get to live a comparatively fearless existence. Still, there's great disparity even within the phobias phamily.

You should hope your fear is as specific as possible. That way it's less likely to become a reality.

A fear of spiders is a tough hand of cards, since you're going to have to deal with spiders at one point or another in the course of your life. A fear of waking up in the prehistoric ocean is a much better lot, as it's just not going to happen.

*But scared of correct spelling

It's Good For 100 Rides*

The saddest part about celebrating your 100th birthday has to be realizing you probably won't live to see 200.


*Around the sun

She's A Beaut

While a little showmanship can add to your overall public image, not all flourishes are equal. Opening a pocket knife with extra flair, for example, is impressive but doesn't exactly smack of high society.

You Can Say That Again

So many people in the world are constantly shocked at how bad things are, but chose apathy and do not respond.

You might find this surprising, but you probably don't care.

Tripods

Items discarded on the street can really pique your curiosity.

If you see a cane or a walker in a pile of trash, it's either a sign of a miracle ("I can walk!") or a tragedy ("Uncle Larry has died!")

Isn't It Ironink?*

Tattoos are great, but they can occasionally become cruel jokes of themselves. There is a bartender at a Lower East Side bar who has "No Regrets" tattooed on her neck.

Over time, this will likely prove a regrettable decision.

*Not really, as "ironink" isn't a word, and no one would be surprised if she did regret the tattoo

But Not On the Couch*

If anyone ever gives you heat about clipping your fingernails, perhaps you keep them obsessively trim, just respond: "Sorry, but I'm overgrown here, I need to remove a little bit of myself. Left unattended, the growth could be unstoppable and unbearable." If you don't address the problem before it's a problem, no one will.

*Or in public

Windüts XP

The name of a thing, and precisely what it represents, can change over time. For example, "windows" (the portals, not the operating system) as we know them today are a relatively recent version of an age-old hole in the wall.

For approximately 3,000 years, windows were known as "windüts." Subtly different than windows, "windüts " were wildly popular.

Cleopatra is credited with being the first to create the last stop before the modern window, opening/closing windüts (for use when it was hot), starting a trend still enjoyed 2,000 years later.

Chasing a Framed Shoplifter*

There are at least 10 versions of the popular board game "Trivial Pursuit."

Offering specialized versions, such as those for Saturday Night Live aficionados or those with an affinity for 90's pop-culture, kind of defeats the purpose of testing your knowledge of random trivia. Buying the one that only deals with a particular niche is essentially telling the cashier, and all friends you play the game with, "I'm really smart, but only in this slice of the slice of the pie."

Also, if you referred to Luke Skywalker as trivial (see the Star Wars version), you might find yourself dealing with the business end of a homemade lightsabre.

*Now that's a trivial pursuit

Bust It!

"Nut World," a shop in Times Square, NYC, is somehow not affiliated with the porno industry.

Dead Ant, Dead Ant

The Pink Panther, that lovable master of the pink jungles of wherever, is currently the face (as it were) associated with two products. You may find it hard to believe, but BOTH products are pink!

Sweet and Low

It does cause cancer in lab rats, but that's not much of a selling point. What else...we're pink...PINK Panther, of course!

PINK Fiber Glass Insulation System

It's made of glass fibers, so it's potentially pretty dangerous, but that's not much of a selling point. What else...we're pink...PINK Panther, of course!

Promotions all around.

Don't Give Up on Defeatism

The most difficult part of any activity is doing it.

Can So

Sometimes when you're rescuing someone from a burning building or such, people will implore you to exercise caution, since "You can't help anyone when you're dead."
The next time someone says that to you, remind them of a dead guy named "Jesus."

Gum Smacks of Truth

Trident gum could easily give one the impression that the product will leave you with only three teeth.

It's worth noting that a product ostensibly designed to conjure an image of many teeth, Polident, is actually a denture-adhesive, and thus designed for people with no teeth.

Eat Until You've Had Your Filament

Instead of wasting time hoping that the light in the oven, when turned on, will make the food cook faster, just adjust the heat-control dial.

On the off chance the light in the refrigerator is slowly cooking your food, smash that light the next time you're in there.

You Can't Handle The Cost

Certain informercials feature products (like the one for a certain Swedish memory foam "sleep system") that are so expensive they won't even tell you the price in the commercial. It's all "benefits" this and "amazing" that. The pricing is so intimidating that it can only be revealed in a second presentation, one you must call to request. The second presentation, in the form of DVD or VHS sales pitch, is free of cost (less S&H) and obligation (less having more trash to clutter your life). This is, essentially, the company saying, "Look, [name of wonder-product]'s so expensive, if we flash the price on the screen, you won't be buying it. You'll think we're overcharging you, which we are." And that'd bad for business.

Freedom (From Defenestration)

Write your local congressperson and DEMAND that they do everything in their power to prevent the dawn of a world where failing to remember the name of the author of the book you are currently reading can get you thrown out a window.


The day that world comes to pass, the terrorists have truly won.

Omnivores Don't Eat Everything*

If you’ve been a vegetarian your whole life, you are robbed of the opportunity to say anything tastes like chicken. It's a richer experience than you'll ever know.

Also, you'll never have enjoyed meat, which is it's own loss.

*Just many things

Look, No Tie!

"Casual Friday" is Corporate America speak for "Show Everyone What a Douche You Would Dress Like Every Day If You Could"-day.

It's A Flavor, But Is It Chicken?

Packets of Ramen noodles are technically designed to serve two.

If money is so tight that you must make each packet of Ramen last two meals, or feed two people, just give it up and go for the life of crime.

How much worse could it be?

Sounds Depressing

It's sad when you see someone crying. If the person crying is wearing headphones, it's much funnier than it is sad, assuming it's the audio that's causing the waterworks.

For The God Who Has Everything

Using Christmas-themed wrapping paper for birthday presents during the rest of the year is a great way to say "Happy Jesus's Birthday!" all year round, and who wouldn't want that?

*Other than the 2/3 of the world that is NOT Christian, no one!

Fat Dogs Perform No Tricks

Treadmills at the gym are uninspiring. Sure you’re running, but from what? To return some urgency to the run, secondary treadmills could be set up behind each existing one.

Large, angry dogs could be secured to these secondary treadmills, preferably with flimsy chains. Start both treadmills and the point becomes clear. You don’t want to be tossed back into the snapping jaws, and that hound is working overtime to take a chunk of your ass. Everyone’s motivated, everyone’s getting exercise.

The suits at the gym won’t like this idea, so you’ll have to set it up at night, and be willing to go to court/jail for your actions.

Keep It Tidy

Shaving is the one element of personal grooming that a man can totally reject, and still be praised for the decision.

Give up showering and no one's applauding your effort (or lack there of).

For The Ladies

If you never trust a bald barber, then you should avoid male gynecologists on the same principle.

Milk Could Be Less Healthy

Milk should be available in versions with substantially greater fat content than 1% or 2%*. Why? Today's growing army of the obese will soon demand 20%-30%, and dairy farmers will be expected to produce it if they value this growing market (like all puns, pretty much intended).

*Whole milk tops out around 4%.

Unnatural Yet Organic

Putting aside the fact that it's impossible, an egg with chopped veggies and hickory smoked ham already inside would make omelette preparation much cleaner, frightening and faster.

Crack, AAAHH!!!, sizzle, yum.

I Heard You The First Time

When you end a correspondence or conversation with the phrase "thanks again," what you're really saying is, "If you remember one thing from this exchange, remember that I thanked you at least once."

What Did YOU Mean?

Talking to yourself may sound crazy, but it's the only way to guarantee you won't, in conversation, be thrown a reference you don't understand. It just can't happen.

Xtreme S8vings

"The Optimum Triple Play--It'll BLOW U AWAY" (As seen on a subway ad for cable/phone/internet service package)

It's certainly blown away proper spelling and capitalization consistency. Also blown away was the space between "it" and "will", as well as the "w" and the lower part of the "i" in "will."