Fail To Plan = Plan to Fail

If you don't like making resolutions, it's probably because you set the bar too high. Instead of "I'm going to quit smoking", make it "I'm going to go get milk" and "I'll pick up my dry cleaning."

Some might say you're making a to do list, not resolutions. These folks should resolve to be less of a dick in the new year.

Move The Fat FAST

The idea of a fat person requiring an electric scooter is incredibly depressing.

The idea of that scooter being able to reach speeds of 100 mph is incredibly amusing.

Wino Wisdom

"Win with wine, whine without."
-Worthwhile words wove while wasted.

Control Your Health

"Mute" is the only button on a remote that's also a medical condition.

If you ever come across a remote with a "Cancer" button, don't push it.

Pay Dirt!*

The lucrative barber shop industry has for too long had a stranglehold on puntastic names: "Shear Action", "A Cut Above", or the popular "Razor's Edge" featured at left. It's time for other business and industries to jump on the wagon. Profits can only soar.

Maybe someday you'll buy girders and railroad tracks from the Italian boys down at "Let's Make a Steel" while the folks at "Taking Shit" are cleaning your home's septic tank.

*A possible fertilizer company name, likely in cahoots with the folks at "Taking Shit."

B-Boys, P-Girls

At hip hop concerts, the line for the "Hey Ladiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiies" room can get out of control.

Vampires And Fair-Skinned Individuals Rejoice

Today, the Winter Solstice, is the day of the year with the fewest hours of sunlight.

Yesterday and tomorrow are tied for penultimate fewest hours of sunlight.

“Never” is the time anyone will care about this particular set of facts.

Give The Show Some Gas

Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip is a witty, dialogue based comedy/drama that uses lots of big words. This might explain its unimpressive ratings.

To attract a more numerous and less discerning audience, show creator Aaron Sorkin should consider dubbing a fart noise over any word that has three or more syllables.

Matt: Danny, our guest host was in a car crash.

Danny: Well this will make dress PHFBBBBBTTTBTTT* tough.

*Rehearsal

Florida Is Not Known For Its Puzzle Groves

There's something satisfying about peeling an orange in one go, so that you're left with one piece of connected rind.

It's the fruit equivalent of assembling a puzzle in one session, always selecting the next correct piece from start to finish.

That’s about the end of the similarities between puzzles and oranges. For example, puzzle juice, while as pulpy as its orange counterpart, contains virtually no vitamin C.

Size Doesn't Matter

A serving size is one of the few facts you can negotiate with. Serving size = 1/4 package? Not if you eat the whole thing in one sitting, it's not.

Sometimes you space out and eat way more than the suggested serving without intending to do so. Suddenly it's an hour later and you've eaten the whole box of saltines, designed to serve 10. This happens less frequently with non-food. Not often do you drive 10x farther than you need to go, or have sex 10 times in one evening.

The sex example is especially illuminating, as that's usually a 1/2 serving affair (self-service) at best.

IUDs Create Lots Of Clutter

President Bush's latest strategy for Iraq involves suspending a gigantic "Bless This Mess" sign over the whole embattled country.

It's a prayer, an acknowledgment and a chance to show off his rapidly improving needlepoint skills.

That's Semantics For You*

Give a kid a balloon and you're a hero. Give a kid an inflated condom on a string and you're a pervert.

*They're both balloons (rubber + air + string).

Sure, I've Got An Example

Found printed on the inside of a box of eye drops: Please read carefully and save for future reference.

The only plausible scenario where you'd need to reference the eye drop box is if you were trying to prove that you're a crazy person who saves garbage.

See Also: "Beware" and "Free Candy"

"It will be fun" and "taking care of this obligation" are not commonly paired phrases.

Christians Never Say Soup

Here is a simple test to find out if someone is a Christian, should you ever care to find out without asking directly.

Ask which of the following they prefer:

a) Cup of soup
b) Cup of joe
c) Cup of Christ

The Square For Squares

Times Square is a popular place for tourists to block traffic (both auto and pedestrian) in their attempt to photograph the space. This is absolutely unnecessary, as anyone can replicate the experience at home.

Assemble a couple dozen TVs and wait for advertisements to appear on all the screens. It shouldn't take more than a few seconds. Once the screens are ablaze with commercials, jump in the shot and have a friend snap away. Voila, instant Times Square.

For added realism and olfactory ambiance, pee in a corner first.

Attention, Attention

"Video from Dan's 12/8 show at the New York Comedy Club is now or should soon be viewable from the 'Dan's Stand Up' link. He was the host, and he moved the show along with the ease and grace of an easy, graceful host." -Bullhorn

Though redundant, the bullhorn's still telling it like it is.

Where Everybody Knows Your Shame

When you take your trash and recycling to the curb, if you worry that your neighbors will think you drink too much, you probably drink too much.

All Places Can Be Temples of (Tiny) Doom

No matter how long a door has been open (be it a few seconds or a few hours), somebody can always "just make it in" as it closes.

Thus, every time a door is shutting, there's a (negligible) fraction of adventure.

You've Got Time

If you’re interested in mischief you’ll never see play out, try the following prank on ne’er-do-wells.

Get some keys cut. Get some key chains you can write on. On each key/key chain, write a random address somewhere in your city. Scatter these about town.

Sit back, relax and assume some jackass will try to use the keys at the unrelated addresses printed on them. They expected easy entry, only to be foiled by your ruse.

Complicated? A bit. Pointless? Perhaps. Doable? Unlike any mischief involving teleportation, yes.

Social Contract, Not Contact

When using public transportation, there are basic rules for interacting with fellow passengers. In short, don't.

If it's a sense, you shouldn't use it. That means no: looking at, overhearing, touching, sniffing or tasting*strangers.

To keep everyone comfortable, you should also not use your senses on yourself. People get offended if you: stare at a part of yourself, listen intently to yourself, sniff yourself, taste yourself or touch yourself.*

*That's a big one

Who Will Stand Up For Lies?

Dishonesty gets a bad rap. Think how much lying has done for you, while asking virtually nothing in return. Isn't it time you did something for deceit?

Start spreading positive lies: those statements that are knowingly untrue but are good for all involved.

For example, let's say you plan to donate to a friend's charity. You know you're going to donate $20, but you should lie and say $10. Everyone wins when you later donate $20. You look good, the charity profits and lies are one step closer to having a good name.

Hello "Hola", Goodbye "Hello"!

There are simple tricks you can use to learn a new language quickly and easily. For example, each time you learn a word or phrase in the new language, forget a word or phrase you know in your current language.

Little Known, Untrue

The "got your nose" routine is based on an actual nose-snatching sociopath from Victorian England.

"Got your nose," he'd scream and taunt as he ran away into the night. Over the years it turned into a joke used by anyone who's uncomfortable with children and can't otherwise relate.

Inversely, "give me all your money" started as a schoolyard joke and later evolved into a favored saying among the criminal set.

From A Power Perspective

The capital of China is Beijing, the capital of the United States is Washington, DC and the capital of Azerbaijan is irrelevant.

Sweet flag, though.