Crime With A Message

Graffiti with comments like "Joe SuX" or "Joe RulZ" is worthless, from an information stand point. Joe's relative sucking or ruling does little for anyone but Joe.

You can remedy the situation by adding your own scribblings with subtle, informative messages built in:

"Whole Grains 4Life"
"A 401(k) Makes Mad CentZ"
"Volunteering Gets You Laid"

Junkiezzz

It sucks we only get addicted to things that are bad for us. How come we can't get addicted to something like a good night's sleep?

People would stop at nothing to ensure they got 8 solid hours, every night, even if they didn't feel like it. They'd miss out on social engagements, and it'd certainly affect their personal relationships ("You're so well rested all the time, it's like you're a different person!").

All expendable income would go towards the paraphenalia: high threadcount sheets, down comforters and white noise machines.

New York City or New New York City?

Since we can (currently) only make plans in the future, anyone who books travel is really a time-travel agent.

Anyone who can book trips to the past is either a liar or the most legitimate time-travel agent to date.*

*To any date, really.

This Reminds Me Of The Future

Say you have a younger brother. *

If you ever meet someone, and they say "You remind me of your brother," you may appropriately respond, "No, he reminds you of me, you just didn't know that."

*The boys pictured are neither author nor brother (though they are quite probably brothers to each other). They are, however, associated with the top batch of Google Image Search results for "older brother."

Laugh Together, Cry Alone

Hear that derision? They're not mocking at you, they're mocking with you!

Being Helpful, Creepy

If you live in a major urban area, do your part to keep the neighborhood safe. Leave post-it notes on apartment doors with subtle reminders to the importance of proper security.

One suggestion: "Your front door was open. Thought you should know. I borrowed sugar." Do not sign your name. Good Samaritans want recognition; great ones don't.

The owner of the apartment will be confused, and possibly weirded out, but certainly more security-conscious.

The Case of Pot Vs. Kettle

"Judge not lest ye be judged" is itself a kind of judgment.

If someone says this phrase to you, consider yourself judged. You've now got a free pass; let everyone else have it!

Also, taken literally, the saying suggests that convicted felons have a greater right to pass judgment than anyone else.

It's No Comfy Chair, But...

There's a new horror movie coming out called "Turistas," and it clearly hopes to replicate the success of the recent torture/snuff sensation "Hostel." The movie poster features a girl with the name of the film spelled out on her forehead with stitches.

More troubling than the violence is the inconsistency: if they are torturing her, why did they stitch up the wounds? That promotes healing, and healing is the opposite of hurting. American moviegoers like their torture like they like their recall: total.

Assembly and Additional Critical Components Required

Sometimes you'll buy a product that features the caveat "batteries not included."

While informative, this warning doesn't say quite what it should.

For greater accuracy, it should state that the "ability to make this work" is not included.

Beauty And The C

Beauty marks are an odd thing. If you've got one, you're in a dicey situation.

If you're lucky, people will think it makes you look more attractive. If you're unlucky, you may have skin cancer.

Failure Is The New Success

NYC taxis add a surcharge when your ride encounters particularly slow traffic or congestion. Being NYC, these conditions are encountered virtually every ride.

It's brilliant/evil how they can charge you more for your inconvenience then they could if your trip was obstacle free.

Imagine if your job was so structured. The next time you had a big presentation and it didn't go well (say there's a PowerPoint error or something), it'd be acceptable practice for you to bill those hours as overtime.

HUG MY METAL TORSO*

The unsaid ending of the phrase "You're only human" is "...not some kind of robot." The expression would be more comforting if it was used in its full form.

Hey, your mistake might be embarrassing, but at least you're flesh and blood and not some kind of mechanical monster. That's a reminder you need when you're down.

Robots (and cyborgs and the like), while incapable of error, can't enjoy recreational drugs, cry plausibly or laugh without sounding evil.

*The robot pictured seems to say.

You There, Chase This Tinfoil

Cats are great because you can do whatever you want to them. You want to vacuum your cat? Go right ahead. You want to see what they look like upside down? Flip 'em. You're not going to find many friends like that.

Of course, if you have non-cat friends that tolerate this kind of treatment, you surround yourself with some weird people.

Not Just A Clever Title

Anyone reading The Complete Idiot's Guide to Intermediate Spanish might want to reevaluate their life.

It's acceptable to admit you're 100% idiot as a beginner, but once you've achieved mastery of the basics? Get out of here.

Put It On Ice

Hold onto your fake diamonds so they can appreciate in value. This will require waiting for a time when "fake" is more valuable than "real." (2032?)

Don't Block My Doors

Sometimes you get on the subway and you sit and wait. And wait. And exchange irritated glances with the other passengers. And wonder why the train isn't moving. And listen for the coming informationless announcement.

This wouldn't fly in the corporate world. Imagine that you're sitting in your cubicle, just staring into space, not doing anything. Your boss comes by to ask you a question, and you don't answer. You just stare ahead. Your boss looks to your coworker, and the coworker just shrugs. After a few more awkward moments of silence, you announce: "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm being held momentarily by another thought. I expect to be working shortly. Please be patient."