Respect Your Broadleaf Deity

If God was a tree, Arbor Day would be the new Christmas.

In this universe, Christianity would probably be less important, but we'd still acknowledge the crucifiction thing (damaging to the tree).

Rule #2

For some reason, plastic shit is less tacky than plastic fruit.

Stumped?

When faced with the socially challenging question of "what happened to your missing leg/arm/etc, saying you "lost a limb" makes it sound like you misplaced the limb in question and implies a touch of carelessness.

Saying you "had a limb bitten off/crushed/frozen/maimed" is a little lengthy and almost sounds like bragging.

Instead, go for the simple statement "I, too, notice my missing limb" and say no more. It's informative and has an air of mystery.

The XXX Men

A decent superpower would be the ability to instantly know what any given person's fetish is. That way you'd really know how to fu*k them good!

*c

That's Pussy Talk

Cats are largely silent, but will let out an all purpose "Meow" when vacant staring and pacing is not sufficient to communicate what they need.

Adopt this strategy in your personal life and witness one or more of the following outcomes:
a) You'll be labeled as a crazy.
b) The person you're communicating with will give up and walk away.
c) Your food bowl will probably get refilled.

At the end of the day, none of these options is really that bad. Give it a whirl.

The Law of Stare Cease

It sucks if you get busted staring at someone, but if you're staring at someone because you are watching them stare at someone else, you're usually OK.

Mwahahaha! And Also, Ewww

Imagine if pubic topiary took a turn so that the handlebar mustache style was en vogue for dudes. Not quite as evil as the below the nose variety, but twice as creepy.

You Can't Lose

Death: The Shitty Lottery That Everyone Eventually Wins!

With His Lovely Assistant Hannibal Hamlin

You know how Abraham "Merlin" Lincoln actually freed the slaves?

He waved his hands about the air, the gas lights dimmed and his eyes rolled back as he bellowed, "Emancipation...Proclamation!"

Fool Not But Yourself

New Year's is a popular holiday for making resolutions, but it really should be more of an "April Fool's" tradition.

It's easier to welch out of a promise to yourself if you made it on a day known for tomfoolery and deception.

March Was Porno Month...

...for animals, that is. You've heard the expression.

It involves lions, lambs and the old in and out.