Steinway Your Way

Different beverages warrant different levels of coaster-fanciness.

For beer, garden variety coasters will do. For Champagne, you should really use a piano (lid down).

Proctological Prose

If you call someone an ass, you've cut them down nicely. Call someone a butt and you just look like an ass.

Protection From Discretion

No longer do strangers have to wonder if it's just a cold sore...or something more.

Meet Herpecin. It's the Chapstick-like lip protection that advertises that you have herpes.

Trust Us, It's Super

Televised commercials for high definition TVs are a little puzzling. They go on an on about how sharp and crisp the picture quality is, but any image they show the TV generating is only going to look as good as the best you can get on your current TV.

The only way you could view the commercial for the TV and fully appreciate the high quality image being advertised would be to watch it on the TV being advertised. And then you'd have the TV, and the ad would be wasted on you anyway.

Anyway, it's all too meta and bizarre. Heads explode over this kind of thing.

We're Like Peas In A Psycho Pod

Getting excited about your favorite celebrity is one thing, but be careful not to take it too far. It's a fine, creepy line between "I love your work," and "I love your face when you sleep."

No Re-Entry / Escape

A good way to get thrown OUT of an aqaurium is to shout, "There's a little boy in the tank!"

A great way to get thrown IN jail is to actually put one there.

Fill In The ______*

In the future everything will fly, except:

a) cars
b) pigs (an oft-referenced harbinger of a specific future instance)
c) common flies
d) time

The answer is D, as for many the future holds little promise of fun.
*
a) cavity
b) blank
c) porn star
d) all of the above

The answer is D, as all voids must eventually be filled.

Eye Eye, Mate

The double eye-patch is a bold look that only the blind (or temporarily blind) can pull off.

Found: IDIOT

Nothing shows a failed attempt at mental exercise like a word find puzzle. There are better ways to keep your brain sharp than locating groups of letters. The word bank only cheapens it further.

It's like trying give yourself a mental workout by pointing out where doors and windows are in a wall ("I recognized the shapes! [claps hands excitedly]).

Recently Heard Lie*

"It takes a lot for a homeless man to get out in front of strangers and beg for change."
-From a panhandler on the 3 express

*That possibly has some truth on some level

Lambskin Chic

Ripped jeans were briefly en vogue. Ripped condoms have never enjoyed the same popularity.

Glady Care On Tuesday For A Problem Today

You don't have to support efforts to save endangered species IF you promise to remember them fondly when they're gone.

Face Painting

Good at a county fair, less optimal as a blind date activity.

Get Off (On) The Train

Though masturbating on the subway is disgusting, there are some great names for the act. Two perennial favorites include the old "Time Square Tug" and the classic "Grand Central Gherk-Jerk."

See? SEE?

When you loose a limb/appendage that's part of a pair, the functionality of the remaining limb/appendage should double to compensate.

You might not be so against loosing an an eye if the remaining one became twice as powerful.

Boogie Woogie Woogie

The whimsy of the beanie should be applied elsewhere. Perhaps the electric chair?

Cinemax Vs. SKINemax

It's a fine line. Consider the following true Cinemax schedule from a recent Monday.

(Ending at 11:29pm) KINDERGARTEN COP
From the guide channel description: "An undercover officer teaches rowdy pee-wees." *

(Starting 11:30pm) BIKINI CHAIN GANG THREE
From the guide channel description: "Sultry beauties please the senses."

* "....and after that, be sure to stick around for.."

See Also: Do More

"Do what you love."

Generally great advice; specifically poor advice when the recipient is an addict.

Oh...The Humanity?

There's a popular show on a channel dedicated to discovering things; without giving the show free publicity, let's just say they claim to be busters of myths.

An upcoming episode claims to tackle the explosion of the Hindenburg.

a) Is this historical fact considered a myth?

Before b), it's worth noting that this popular show explores myths by way of reenactment.

b) Will the Crucifixion episode take place over sweeps week?

Smooth As A Baby's Non-Existent Bottom

TV is advertising an "Infinity Razor", claiming it will never get dull.

If you happen to be among the last alive at the final moment of existence, test that shaver out. It may be the finite end of everything, but at least you can greet the void without stubble or irritating razor burn.

If the TV claim is true, as they often are, the last thought of humanity might be along the lines of "wow...still sharp."

TBD

[Insert hilarious observation/comment/word play here.]

Synonyms: Ewww, Nasty

Spermanent (noun): a hard to remove stain commonly found on sheets and underwear. Origins unknown.*

*Yeah, right

New York's Seedy Core

Appropriate spelling and grammar always matter, even when you're writing about terrible places.

"I hate walking through Times Square" reads much differently than "I hate walking through time, square."

In the former you've expressed your disdain for the abomination that is Times Square; in the latter you've expressed disdain for strolling forwards and backwards in time AND insulted the recipient of the note.

"Authors"? Boo

Having someone ghostwrite your book is lazy and ethically dubious. It's plagiarism with a spookier name.

Set Your Calendar Ahead

Whether you're unemployed or just have the day off, it's nice to start a new year by not working.