Scattered Horrors

The world would be a spookier place if "mostly foggy" was a commonly used weather forecast phrase.

It's Not Champain

Champagne is a solid indicator that it's ok to say "congratulations!" It's a beverage that's pretty much exclusive to the good times.*

No one ever buries a pet and says, "We'll sure miss Captain Purrpants. Tom, crack open the bubbly."

*Alcoholics with a taste for the finer things not withstanding

We Can't End Transmission

A recent wave of quality scripted TV programs might give one hope that reality TV's stranglehold on primetime might be coming to an end.

In reality,* the reality genre is like herpes. It might go away from time to time, but now that we've caught the bug, it will be with us until we die.

*You bet pun intended

Take Credit

If you want to buy that fancy item you see advertised on TV, you know what to do; it's only a phone call away. You even know to be sure to "have your credit card ready."

Unfortunately, credit cards don't have a "ready" state. They're binary, either in use or not. If you have a credit card that's not maxed out, it's really always ready.

Maybe it's fair advice. You might get so excited when the ordering gets going that you won't be able to remove your credit card from your/significant other's pocket/wallet/purse.

To be on the safe side, keep your credit card in your hand at all times.

Better Than Life Itself!

The phrase "to die for" is never used in a context that seems right. It's always:
"These cookies? They're to die for!"

It's an expression that should really be reserved for the doctor's office:
"Your tuberculosis? I'm sorry, but it's to die for."

Stickin' It To Them

A balloon is never more than one prick away from untimely destruction.

Go Forth, Germs

We wouldn't all keep catching colds if some asshole wasn't releasing them in the first place.

A Piercing Stare

For those with the ability to shoot lasers out of their eyes (ala Cyclops), a lazy/wandering eye can be a deadly affliction. For those in the immediate area, too.

Keep The "CURRENT" In Currentcy*

As riders pass through the turnstyles of the New York City subway, an electronic display above a card swipe announces "NO TOKENS."

Tokens have been out of commission for years, so why bother reminding people of their continuing unacceptability? At this point, everyone should understand it's just not done anymore. It'd be like approaching the register in a NYC deli and seeing a sign that says "NO BEADS" or "NO SILVER/GOLD ACCEPTED AS PAYMENT."

*Clearly that's not how you spell it.

They're On The Ballpoint

Need a pen? Consider asking a hobo. Sure, you might feel rude at first, but consider the following:

1) Hobos are frequently at ground level. Pens often end up on the ground when they fall out of pockets.

2) Hobos can not get drunk on a pen, eat a pen or do (many) drugs with a pen. By way of generalization, this makes the pen a commodity they can part with and notice no decrease in quality of life.

3) Hobos ask you for change. Requesting a pen is about the same level of annoyance/intrusion.

Another Kind of Decay

The only way zombies could be scarier is if they were inherently radioactive. Then longterm exposure could result in cancer. And also brain-eating.

Yoo Heard?

Gentrification can be described as the point when the tags on area mailboxes include not just local graffiti artists but also guerrilla-marketing stickers promoting Yoo-Hoo.

But Not One Of Them Cod-

Anyone can wear a three piece suit to an interview.

To guarantee you get the job, wear a suit with a minimum of 16 pieces.

Hoisting, Hoisting, Hoisting!

On some construction projects, the enormous cranes needed to erect the upper levels are so large that they require many smaller cranes to put them together.

The automotive equivalent would be if monster trucks were assembled by a fleet of SUVs.

Home Videos That Are Funny*

At what point did a horn-type sound become the default sound effect when one is kicked in the junk?

A thud or a squish might be more accurate.

*And also the possession of America

Let Voicemail Do The Talking

Instead of saying "I'm in a library/church/elder-care facility, I can't talk right now", just don't answer your phone.

Brought To You By The Letter ?

A long-sleeved "T-shirt" isn't really a T-shirt. It's more of a ?-Shirt.

There is no letter with a reasonable-size vertical line capped with a freakishly disproportionate top line.

RANT

Musical theater is the lowest form of communication, second only to bathroom-graffiti.