Attention, Attention

"Dan's August 25 show at Gotham has been added to the 'Dan's Stand Up' link. Also, in celebration of time off, no new posts until September 6."
-Bullhorn

You're never wrong, Bullhorn. Not ever.

Reruns From The Future

Some day TiVo devices will be so advanced that you'll be able to watch episodes of your favorite shows that have not yet aired. Screw recording the past for present viewing; let's record the future.

Paradoxically, by the time this feature is available it will be the future, thus removing the need to watch shows from "the future."

On/Using Simile

A simile is like a less committed metaphor.

A Spectacular Accident

The next time you misstep and start to stumble, go all out and turn it into a tumble.

For maximum effect, through your hands up at the end and announce, "Ta Da."

Formerly Untold*

A show on the Discover Health Channel calls itself "Untold Stories of the ER."

If this is true, who told the shows writers and producers? It's hard for a story be simultaneously untold and displayed on television.

That being said, the post midnight timeslot ensures these stories will at least go largely unheard.

*A more accurate start of the show's title

It Could Be/Does Get Worse

Waiting for the subway on a very crowded platform is frustrating in a few ways. First for the crowd, but also because you can guarantee that the next train to arrive will be packed to the gills. It's the marriage of current annoyance with future annoyance.

It's like being told, "We can't say for certain when we're celebrating Christmas this year, but it doesn't really matter since all you're getting is a kick in junk."

Buy! Buy! Buy!

There's a series on TV called "The Funniest Commercials in the World."

Hands down, it's got the most commercials per hour of any show on tv, at 100%.

Sartorial Cargo

The classic briefcase is well-suited for holding briefs, yet the classic suitcase is not ideal for encasing suits, even briefly.

Get Away With It More Often

Before blaming a problem on "the dog", make sure you have "a" dog.

FYI For The Serious Bookmark User

Your personal business card makes a great bookmark.

-You've probably got hundreds of them. No biggie if you lose one or 100.

-If you need the stock replenished, your business will probably order you another couple thousand no questions asked. "Great networking," they'll say.

-Need to give someone your contact info? Show them you're highly literate and prepared by removing a bookmark and handing it to them.

Catch The Flavor!

Adding "authentic fish flavors" will do nothing to increase sales of a certain Swedish candy.

They Don't Go Together

If you're yawning, the odds are good you're not terrified.

Good Call, Weather Channel Online

Pro-Life/Death

Some pro-lifers are also in favor of the death penalty. To understand how one can reconcile these seemingly disparate beliefs, ask your local Jew For Jesus.

Or ask the depressed clown at left.

So Many Unimportant Questions

A good way to add an aura of mystery (and possibly more beatings) to your life is to add the phrase "...or am I?" after any declarative statements you make about yourself.

E.g.: "I"m going to the bathroom...or am I?"

Wear Protection

During a day at the beach, sometimes you get sun kissed.

Other times you get sun hate f*cked.

A Hairy Issue

The US has odd, well-defined social rules regarding women and body hair.

Legs: No
Privates: No
Under arms: No
Head: Yes

If you wanted to split hairs (as mentioned previously, all puns are intended), you could even break the head category down.

Upper Lip: No
Eyebrows: Yes

Operation No-Snacky Freedom

The government has recently deployed a fleet of treadmills to the Midwest in the latest phase of its often criticized War on Obesity.

Hobo Up Your Life

Start asking people if they have spare change for a dollar.

Worse Than Non-Existence?

For the record, there is no fate worse than death.

Incidentally (and morbidly), there is no fate other than death.

Gin & Juice Box

Brown paper bags are associated with both drinking in public and carrying a lunch prepared at home.

If the bag contains Guinness, it could reasonably be considered both.

Hey, Three Eyes*

As far as insults directed at those wearing glasses go, "four eyes" is pretty weak.

a) It's not accurate, as the lenses in no way give the wearer additional eyes.

b) Even if glasses did give the wearer additional eyes, this would be cause for celebration (of new and exciting powers), not derision!

*Equivalent insult aimed at those who wear a hearing aid.

Think Of The Weekends

The first country to implement a standard three day work week will clearly be among the most advanced societies civilization has ever produced.

That they'll simultaneously be among the least productive groups in history is less important.

Densa?

A low-IQ alternative to Mensa, open to a greater portion of the general public, could be a lucrative business.

For a small annual fee, members would receive monthly packets of puzzles photocopied from the latest cereal boxes and Denny's children's menus.

5 O'Clock ShadOW

The beard of bees gimmick is cool, but why did society stop there?

The world is ready for other facial hair options made from potentially dangerous animals. Sport a beard made of scorpions, and you'll be the toast of the town.

Awesome, And Also Run!!!

Somewhere on your list of wishes, after world peace and personal prosperity, the following should be found: make all assembled dinosaur bones come alive.

You know you'd enjoy watching the dino-skeletons run amok. It'd be terrifying, but what a time to be alive!

You Can, Even If You Shouldn't

Learning to read lips is hard. People really don't like it when you practice on them and stare at their lips. Especially if you're strangers.

Keep it up though. Practice makes better.

If P, Then Q, If P

Working to live is tough, and living to work is depressing. The solution?

Live to work to live. The living to working ratio is favorable.

Unwinding With Taxes*

Knitting (or sewing/weaving) and hunting used to be required skills to sustain life, but now they are considered hobbies.

Paying rent will probably never transition into the "leisure activity" category.

*Also unlikely

Still A Great Value For A Ride*

Generally speaking, a moustache in today's world makes about as much fashion sense as Hammer** pants would have in the 1950s.




*5 cents
**The former MC

Bread, OJ, Fire

With the advent of instant fire-starting logs (Duraflame or Eternaburn), fire is now exponentially easier to attain.

Prometheus would be shocked to learn that you can purchase fire as easily, and in the same place, as milk.

Being from the distant past, he wouldn't have money to purchase these wonder logs. Being Prometheus, he would probably just steal them.