To The Non-Existent Reader

"In honor of vacations, no new posts until Wednesday, July 5."
-The bullhorn

Well said, bullhorn. Well said.

Bless You? F*ck You!

The only thing worse than sneezing without covering your nose is sneezing into a fridge you're browsing through. Yes, you've done it, too.

Can't Steal Just One

If fat people were more motivated and criminally-minded, Frito-Lays' delivery trucks would have to be armored.

Though Frito-Lay would suffer material losses, routinely getting jacked by goal-oriented, deviant obese individuals could increase the street cred of the brand.

Cramp In Your Leg?

Stand Up.

Nozzles In Tanks

Owning an SUV and complaining about the cost of gas is like whining about getting STDs when your birth control method consists of pulling out.

Request An Exponential SPF

In a literal world, sunburns would be taken far more seriously.

The burn would probably feature less reddening of the skin and more vaporization of the body.

Learned The Hard Way

You can't really use, "I overheard a stranger say something similar" as evidence for a claim you're making. Not one you want people to take seriously, at least.

Raw Deal On A Hot Day

Can I offer you some gradually warming tap water from a cooler?

No ice in there. Just tap water. Getting warmer. Gradually.

The Thought, But Nothing More

Greeting cards are a nice gesture, but can also put an unnecessary stress on the recipient. After a few days or weeks, do they throw it away or do they keep it?

Many will throw it away, but will feel a slight pang of guilt. After all, you took the time to send a card (nice thought), but then again it is just a card (not as nice as a real gift*).

To remove this potential stress, greeting cards should automatically dematerialize after a set amount of time. For additional flair, a previously unnoticed recording in the card would play, announcing, dramatically and loudly, "MESSAGE EXPIRED!" -poof- No more card.

*The exception is when cash is included. Then the card is just wrapping paper, throw it away w/o a thought.

Not Fancy*

There's no need to label a product as "disposable". Everything is disposable.

There isn't a product on the market that is incapable of being discarded.

*An alternative to the label "disposable"

Original Copies

Feeling down on yourself? Pursue tracing as a hobby; it's nearly impossible to mess up. It's also easy to excel at, as there isn't much difference between "beginner" and "expert" tracers. No creativity required.

Conversely, if you can't trace well, you're right to question your worth.

Sneezing, Sore Throat, Honesty

One symptom of sickness is a higher level of honesty. Like the rest of the sickness, it’s also contagious.

Friend: How are you?
Sick person: Awful. I’m really getting my ass kicked by this cold (TRUE).
Friend: Yeah, you don’t look so good (TRUE).

Without the benefit of sickness?

Friend: How are you?
Person: I’m well (possibly FALSE).
Friend: Well, you look good (probably FALSE).

Shadows Are Kind Of Décor

If you go three months before replacing the light bulb, you probably didn't really need the fixture in the first place.

Chew On This

The human body is 60-70% water. We must drink water to stay alive.

The human body must be a measurable % bones. There are, after all, 206 of them.

We're lucky we don't have to eat bones to stay alive.

Das (Ironing) Board

If it were somehow possible to inextricably link irons to Hitler, it would be far more acceptable to wear wrinkled shirts and pants to work.

This Could RainBLOW

Rainbows have great PR; they're never associated with evil or trouble.

No one has ever said, "Oh damn it, a rainbow. We're doomed!"

Back From The Future

Anyone can submit a resume detailing what they've done in the past. Set yours apart by listing things from the future.

Interviewer: "It says here you were the first person on Mars in 2035."

(pause) You: "Yes, I'm looking forward to that."

Takes One To Know One (Part 2)

If you use the phrase "detail orientated", you've accidentally highlighted something you're not.

Tongue Action

Try as you may, you can not lick-out most food stains.

Magnetic Pantameter

Magnetic Poetry is an overly optimistic name for a product. It's magnetic, and it's words, but it's not poetry.

Magna Doodle, on the other hand, got it right. It's magnets and it's doodling. Nothing more, nothing less.

A Gam Ran

This sentence is an anagram of itself.

Hurry, Fly It!

If you’re looking for a challenge, try to fly a kite with a convincing sense of urgency.

Blood Relationships

The amount of happiness experienced when finding a Band-Aid* is inversely proportional to the amount of blood on it.

No blood? “This will help my paper cut, sweet.”

Any blood whatsoever? “Get that scummy used Band-Aid away from me and my paper cut.”

*Or even the generic adhesive strip

If You Carry It, It Will Come

All things not nailed down or otherwise affixed to their current location are portable. The only thing stopping you from carting your La-Z-Boy with you wherever you go is you.

Reclining in your living room? Decent. Reclining in the park or museum? Exceptional.

Just a Good Idea

Measuring tape would be even better (and it's already pretty great) if it had some of the tackiness of actual tape. Nothing drastic, just like a Post-It.

They Don't Take It All

It's weird the first time you see your pet's penis.

On a related note, it's weird every time you see your pet's penis.

Shades for Privacy Only

Being blind must suck, but thumbs up to saving all that money by not purchasing light bulbs*.

*As everyone knows, blind people only have blind friends, thus they needn't worry about the vision needs of guests they entertain.

Craft Me A Yurt

Though it's cool and useful to be able to build your own shelter, it's probably a little better to be able to pay someone to do it for you. If you had to make such a choice, and in most situations, that is.