Without Hyperbole

Erin-Go-Figure

2007-05-12T10:07:00.000-04:00

See that girl with the shamrock tattoo? There's a solid chance that if you randomly addressed her as Erin, you'd have guessed correctly.

Respect Your Broadleaf Deity

2007-04-27T18:11:00.000-04:00

If God was a tree, Arbor Day would be the new Christmas.

In this universe, Christianity would probably be less important, but we'd still acknowledge the crucifiction thing (damaging to the tree).

Rule #2

2007-04-24T21:24:00.000-04:00

For some reason, plastic shit is less tacky than plastic fruit.

Stumped?

2007-04-23T18:10:00.000-04:00

When faced with the socially challenging question of "what happened to your missing leg/arm/etc, saying you "lost a limb" makes it sound like you misplaced the limb in question and implies a touch of carelessness.

Saying you "had a limb bitten off/crushed/frozen/maimed" is a little lengthy and almost sounds like bragging.

Instead, go for the simple statement "I, too, notice my missing limb" and say no more. It's informative and has an air of mystery.

The XXX Men

2007-04-18T22:26:00.000-04:00

A decent superpower would be the ability to instantly know what any given person's fetish is. That way you'd really know how to fu*k them good!

*c

That's Pussy Talk

2007-04-16T19:10:00.000-04:00

Cats are largely silent, but will let out an all purpose "Meow" when vacant staring and pacing is not sufficient to communicate what they need.

Adopt this strategy in your personal life and witness one or more of the following outcomes:
a) You'll be labeled as a crazy.
b) The person you're communicating with will give up and walk away.
c) Your food bowl will probably get refilled.

At the end of the day, none of these options is really that bad. Give it a whirl.

The Law of Stare Cease

2007-04-14T10:55:00.000-04:00

It sucks if you get busted staring at someone, but if you're staring at someone because you are watching them stare at someone else, you're usually OK.

Mwahahaha! And Also, Ewww

2007-04-11T19:19:00.000-04:00

Imagine if pubic topiary took a turn so that the handlebar mustache style was en vogue for dudes. Not quite as evil as the below the nose variety, but twice as creepy.

You Can't Lose

2007-04-10T11:01:00.000-04:00

Death: The Shitty Lottery That Everyone Eventually Wins!

With His Lovely Assistant Hannibal Hamlin

2007-04-03T16:54:00.000-04:00

You know how Abraham "Merlin" Lincoln actually freed the slaves?

He waved his hands about the air, the gas lights dimmed and his eyes rolled back as he bellowed, "Emancipation...Proclamation!"

Fool Not But Yourself

2007-04-02T16:04:00.000-04:00

New Year's is a popular holiday for making resolutions, but it really should be more of an "April Fool's" tradition.

It's easier to welch out of a promise to yourself if you made it on a day known for tomfoolery and deception.

March Was Porno Month...

2007-04-02T16:00:00.000-04:00

...for animals, that is. You've heard the expression.

It involves lions, lambs and the old in and out.

Vandals Seldom Correct Grammar

2007-03-14T23:56:00.000-04:00

When you see the sign at the left, it's kind of a let down to open the door to find a single toilet, instead of the multiple promised.

Sure, you generally only need one toilet in a given situation, but still.

Serves You Right, Twit

2007-03-13T13:05:00.000-04:00

Booby traps are so named for the idea that a foolish person, or boob, will set them off. Since these traps are by nature difficult to spot and easy to set off, it hardly seems fair to question the victim's intelligence.

If booby traps let off some kind of audible alarm when you got close (WARNING! WARNING! DEADFALL AHEAD!) or were set where no one would find them (at the bottom of a well), THEN you'd be a boob for setting it off.

Somewhat related: a literal booby trap would be a devestating blow to breast-loving armies of the world.

Polish Up That Spelling

2007-03-12T14:23:00.000-04:00

"Exspert Shoe Shine Here" - Sign at a shoe shine booth on 47th and 6th

No one shines a shoe better than a former Spert.

You Can Only Imagine Two

2007-03-10T14:48:00.000-05:00

A new commercial for a Red Lobster promotion promises "lobster in more ways than you can imagine." They then go on to show a whopping three dishes.

Freezing Ice Holes

2007-03-08T17:48:00.000-05:00

Always fill the ice tray. Always.

The number of situations where you'd prefer an empty tray to one full of refreshing ice is few to none.

The No Guest Dinner Party

2007-03-06T21:47:00.000-05:00

No matter how you spin it (you're in the mood for it/it's easy/you're lazy), buying one box of mac and cheese, and nothing more, kind of makes you look like a loser.

Including Roofing Of A Hot Tin Nature

2007-03-05T18:02:00.000-05:00

Furniture for cats is silly and somewhat redundant; everything they sit on becomes cat furniture. And they'll sit on more things than most.

Talk To Him Anyway

2007-03-04T15:16:00.000-05:00

If you think you see singing sensation Seal at a bus stop and are thinking about asking for his autograph, stop and consider: would Seal ride the bus? Probably not, but the black guy with the scar you're looking at probably has interesting stories to tell, as well.

Attention, Attention

2007-02-24T18:00:00.000-05:00

"In honor of business trips to Los Angeles where time to blog will be non-existent, there will likely be no new posts until Saturday, March 3. Consider browsing the archives. "-Bullhorn

Spot on, Bullhorn. Oddly specific, but spot on.

Bring The Family!

2007-02-23T19:26:00.000-05:00

There's not much funny about abortion, but there's a lot funny about a nationwide chain of abortion clinics called "Babies 'R'nt Us."*

If you come up with the commercial that makes that brand palpable, you're marketer of the year.

*Just imagine that the R is facing the other way.

Jeopardy Themed Heading For $500

2007-02-21T14:16:00.000-05:00

Many television markets have started showing Jeopardy in high defintion (HD).

At first, you might not think it's necessary for a quiz show to be presented in HD, but then you notice how sharp the contestants look!

Balls To This

2007-02-20T07:38:00.000-05:00

Fruit of the Loom makes lots of things, but they're most famous for men's underwear. Given that, how come the logo includes no banana?

A Big -Ing Difference

2007-02-19T17:47:00.000-05:00

Snow in the city is only pretty as it's falling. When it's melting, it appears to turn to garbage.

Seek Self-Help

2007-02-18T21:40:00.000-05:00

Toy with strangers in your local bookstore by reaching for the same book they're going for at the same time. Make awkward eye contact to add depth to the experience.

The first time you do this, they'll think it's a strange coincidence. The fifth time, they'll probably want to know what your problem is.

Explain that you're a crazy person who attempts vaguely humorous things you read about on the internet. Works every time.*

*"Works" in this context meaning "confuses people further."

Reading, Writing, Raising the Dead

2007-02-17T11:24:00.000-05:00

The universe is expected to consist largely (96%) of dark matter and dark energy. We need to give the children of earth the skills they need for the world they live in, so a curriculum richer in the dark arts might be more appropriate.

Go Honk Yourself

2007-02-15T11:46:00.000-05:00

A car horn usually means "Hey, look out idiot!", but just as often says "Hey, look out, I AM an idiot."

This Makes Sense...No, "Cents"...No, Sense Was Right

2007-02-13T14:37:00.000-05:00

In a world of total financial equality, the average cost of a unicycle would be exactly 50% of the average cost of a bicycle.

Appearing Stupid To Look Good

2007-02-12T17:23:00.000-05:00

Runners are prone to looking silly, perhaps never more so than when they jog in place at intersections, bouncing from foot to foot as if to say, "I'm THIS committed to my exercise."

The motion, more laborious than standing still, is not a necessary part of the workout. If you want constant motion, get thee to a treadmill.

This "running in place" also sets a dangerous precedence. If it became common for your average pedestrian to pantomime the walking motion while stopped at a crosswalk, incidents of strangers pushing people into moving traffic would skyrocket.

A Beefy, -Ronied Year

2007-02-10T18:03:00.000-05:00

At $1.49 a can, if you could subsist on one can of Beefaroni a day, you'd be able to eat for the whole year for only $543.85. If you were smart, and bought the year's supply all at once, you'd probably get a bulk discount.

Then again, you'd also be buying 365 cans of Beefaroni, which suggests you're not that smart, so best to forget about that discount.

Assuming You're Not Royalty

2007-02-09T17:44:00.000-05:00

Regicide is a tough rap to beat. You could always consider playing the class card.

Demand Answers

2007-02-08T16:56:00.000-05:00

How come fingers are the only appendages worthy of specialized puppets?

Just Do It Privately

2007-02-06T23:25:00.000-05:00

You can bet the guy who coined the phrase "Winning isn't everything, it's the only thing" masturbated with extra vigor the night he came up with that gem.

Not That You Don't Rule

2007-02-05T14:18:00.000-05:00

It might seem like your pet loves you, but there's a good chance that's just because they don't know anyone else.

Good Offense

2007-02-03T11:28:00.000-05:00

Painting your face to show your support of a football team is fine, but you really shouldn't do the same in support of Black History Month.

On My Head?

2007-02-02T17:00:00.000-05:00

"We're putting our money where your hair isn't."
-The bewildering slogan of the hair-restoring product Avacor.

Bald and broke men around the country rejoice. You don't need a wig when you've got a stack of Washingtons on your dome.

Who Asked The Monkeys?

2007-02-01T14:20:00.000-05:00

If an old man steps on an apple core and falls, it's a tragedy. If the same old man steps on a banana peel and falls, it's hilarity.

How did the banana become the wacky fruit, one associated with things zainy and screwball? Other fruits that have associations are kind of negative:

Lemon = poor quality
Grapes = potentially sour
Tomatoes* = potentially rotten
Apples = not oranges
Oranges = not apples

*It's got seeds, it's a fruit

Steinway Your Way

2007-01-30T14:18:00.000-05:00

Different beverages warrant different levels of coaster-fanciness.

For beer, garden variety coasters will do. For Champagne, you should really use a piano (lid down).

Proctological Prose

2007-01-29T18:05:00.000-05:00

If you call someone an ass, you've cut them down nicely. Call someone a butt and you just look like an ass.

Protection From Discretion

2007-01-28T18:58:00.000-05:00

No longer do strangers have to wonder if it's just a cold sore...or something more.

Meet Herpecin. It's the Chapstick-like lip protection that advertises that you have herpes.

Trust Us, It's Super

2007-01-27T10:48:00.000-05:00

Televised commercials for high definition TVs are a little puzzling. They go on an on about how sharp and crisp the picture quality is, but any image they show the TV generating is only going to look as good as the best you can get on your current TV.

The only way you could view the commercial for the TV and fully appreciate the high quality image being advertised would be to watch it on the TV being advertised. And then you'd have the TV, and the ad would be wasted on you anyway.

Anyway, it's all too meta and bizarre. Heads explode over this kind of thing.

We're Like Peas In A Psycho Pod

2007-01-26T12:38:00.000-05:00

Getting excited about your favorite celebrity is one thing, but be careful not to take it too far. It's a fine, creepy line between "I love your work," and "I love your face when you sleep."

No Re-Entry / Escape

2007-01-23T17:56:00.000-05:00

A good way to get thrown OUT of an aqaurium is to shout, "There's a little boy in the tank!"

A great way to get thrown IN jail is to actually put one there.

Fill In The ______*

2007-01-22T20:07:00.000-05:00

In the future everything will fly, except:

a) cars
b) pigs (an oft-referenced harbinger of a specific future instance)
c) common flies
d) time

The answer is D, as for many the future holds little promise of fun.
*
a) cavity
b) blank
c) porn star
d) all of the above

The answer is D, as all voids must eventually be filled.

Eye Eye, Mate

2007-01-19T18:48:00.000-05:00

The double eye-patch is a bold look that only the blind (or temporarily blind) can pull off.

Found: IDIOT

2007-01-18T16:41:00.000-05:00

Nothing shows a failed attempt at mental exercise like a word find puzzle. There are better ways to keep your brain sharp than locating groups of letters. The word bank only cheapens it further.

It's like trying give yourself a mental workout by pointing out where doors and windows are in a wall ("I recognized the shapes! [claps hands excitedly]).

Recently Heard Lie*

2007-01-18T00:02:00.000-05:00

"It takes a lot for a homeless man to get out in front of strangers and beg for change."
-From a panhandler on the 3 express

*That possibly has some truth on some level

Lambskin Chic

2007-01-16T21:27:00.000-05:00

Ripped jeans were briefly en vogue. Ripped condoms have never enjoyed the same popularity.

Glady Care On Tuesday For A Problem Today

2007-01-15T18:24:00.000-05:00

You don't have to support efforts to save endangered species IF you promise to remember them fondly when they're gone.

Face Painting

2007-01-14T23:20:00.000-05:00

Good at a county fair, less optimal as a blind date activity.

Get Off (On) The Train

2007-01-13T17:08:00.000-05:00

Though masturbating on the subway is disgusting, there are some great names for the act. Two perennial favorites include the old "Time Square Tug" and the classic "Grand Central Gherk-Jerk."

See? SEE?

2007-01-12T18:29:00.000-05:00

When you loose a limb/appendage that's part of a pair, the functionality of the remaining limb/appendage should double to compensate.

You might not be so against loosing an an eye if the remaining one became twice as powerful.

Boogie Woogie Woogie

2007-01-11T23:45:00.000-05:00

The whimsy of the beanie should be applied elsewhere. Perhaps the electric chair?

Cinemax Vs. SKINemax

2007-01-10T23:43:00.000-05:00

It's a fine line. Consider the following true Cinemax schedule from a recent Monday.

(Ending at 11:29pm) KINDERGARTEN COP
From the guide channel description: "An undercover officer teaches rowdy pee-wees." *

(Starting 11:30pm) BIKINI CHAIN GANG THREE
From the guide channel description: "Sultry beauties please the senses."

* "....and after that, be sure to stick around for.."

Oh...The Humanity?

2007-01-08T22:32:00.000-05:00

There's a popular show on a channel dedicated to discovering things; without giving the show free publicity, let's just say they claim to be busters of myths.

An upcoming episode claims to tackle the explosion of the Hindenburg.

a) Is this historical fact considered a myth?

Before b), it's worth noting that this popular show explores myths by way of reenactment.

b) Will the Crucifixion episode take place over sweeps week?

Smooth As A Baby's Non-Existent Bottom

2007-01-07T11:38:00.000-05:00

TV is advertising an "Infinity Razor", claiming it will never get dull.

If you happen to be among the last alive at the final moment of existence, test that shaver out. It may be the finite end of everything, but at least you can greet the void without stubble or irritating razor burn.

If the TV claim is true, as they often are, the last thought of humanity might be along the lines of "wow...still sharp."

TBD

2007-01-05T19:00:00.000-05:00

[Insert hilarious observation/comment/word play here.]

Synonyms: Ewww, Nasty

2007-01-04T18:46:00.000-05:00

Spermanent (noun): a hard to remove stain commonly found on sheets and underwear. Origins unknown.*

*Yeah, right

New York's Seedy Core

2007-01-03T15:34:00.000-05:00

Appropriate spelling and grammar always matter, even when you're writing about terrible places.

"I hate walking through Times Square" reads much differently than "I hate walking through time, square."

In the former you've expressed your disdain for the abomination that is Times Square; in the latter you've expressed disdain for strolling forwards and backwards in time AND insulted the recipient of the note.

"Authors"? Boo

2007-01-02T16:56:00.000-05:00

Having someone ghostwrite your book is lazy and ethically dubious. It's plagiarism with a spookier name.

Set Your Calendar Ahead

2007-01-01T17:05:00.000-05:00

Whether you're unemployed or just have the day off, it's nice to start a new year by not working.

Fail To Plan = Plan to Fail

2006-12-31T11:22:00.000-05:00

If you don't like making resolutions, it's probably because you set the bar too high. Instead of "I'm going to quit smoking", make it "I'm going to go get milk" and "I'll pick up my dry cleaning."

Some might say you're making a to do list, not resolutions. These folks should resolve to be less of a dick in the new year.

Move The Fat FAST

2006-12-30T16:56:00.000-05:00

The idea of a fat person requiring an electric scooter is incredibly depressing.

The idea of that scooter being able to reach speeds of 100 mph is incredibly amusing.

Wino Wisdom

2006-12-28T19:30:00.000-05:00

"Win with wine, whine without."
-Worthwhile words wove while wasted.

Control Your Health

2006-12-27T10:09:00.000-05:00

"Mute" is the only button on a remote that's also a medical condition.

If you ever come across a remote with a "Cancer" button, don't push it.

Pay Dirt!*

2006-12-23T11:00:00.000-05:00

The lucrative barber shop industry has for too long had a stranglehold on puntastic names: "Shear Action", "A Cut Above", or the popular "Razor's Edge" featured at left. It's time for other business and industries to jump on the wagon. Profits can only soar.

Maybe someday you'll buy girders and railroad tracks from the Italian boys down at "Let's Make a Steel" while the folks at "Taking Shit" are cleaning your home's septic tank.

*A possible fertilizer company name, likely in cahoots with the folks at "Taking Shit."

B-Boys, P-Girls

2006-12-22T13:58:00.000-05:00

At hip hop concerts, the line for the "Hey Ladiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiies" room can get out of control.

Vampires And Fair-Skinned Individuals Rejoice

2006-12-21T15:40:00.000-05:00

Today, the Winter Solstice, is the day of the year with the fewest hours of sunlight.

Yesterday and tomorrow are tied for penultimate fewest hours of sunlight.

“Never” is the time anyone will care about this particular set of facts.

Give The Show Some Gas

2006-12-20T10:04:00.000-05:00

Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip is a witty, dialogue based comedy/drama that uses lots of big words. This might explain its unimpressive ratings.

To attract a more numerous and less discerning audience, show creator Aaron Sorkin should consider dubbing a fart noise over any word that has three or more syllables.

Matt: Danny, our guest host was in a car crash.

Danny: Well this will make dress PHFBBBBBTTTBTTT* tough.

*Rehearsal

Florida Is Not Known For Its Puzzle Groves

2006-12-18T13:05:00.000-05:00

There's something satisfying about peeling an orange in one go, so that you're left with one piece of connected rind.

It's the fruit equivalent of assembling a puzzle in one session, always selecting the next correct piece from start to finish.

That’s about the end of the similarities between puzzles and oranges. For example, puzzle juice, while as pulpy as its orange counterpart, contains virtually no vitamin C.

Size Doesn't Matter

2006-12-17T18:44:00.000-05:00

A serving size is one of the few facts you can negotiate with. Serving size = 1/4 package? Not if you eat the whole thing in one sitting, it's not.

Sometimes you space out and eat way more than the suggested serving without intending to do so. Suddenly it's an hour later and you've eaten the whole box of saltines, designed to serve 10. This happens less frequently with non-food. Not often do you drive 10x farther than you need to go, or have sex 10 times in one evening.

The sex example is especially illuminating, as that's usually a 1/2 serving affair (self-service) at best.

IUDs Create Lots Of Clutter

2006-12-16T16:44:00.000-05:00

President Bush's latest strategy for Iraq involves suspending a gigantic "Bless This Mess" sign over the whole embattled country.

It's a prayer, an acknowledgment and a chance to show off his rapidly improving needlepoint skills.

That's Semantics For You*

2006-12-15T10:24:00.000-05:00

Give a kid a balloon and you're a hero. Give a kid an inflated condom on a string and you're a pervert.

*They're both balloons (rubber + air + string).

Sure, I've Got An Example

2006-12-14T14:29:00.000-05:00

Found printed on the inside of a box of eye drops: Please read carefully and save for future reference.

The only plausible scenario where you'd need to reference the eye drop box is if you were trying to prove that you're a crazy person who saves garbage.

Christians Never Say Soup

2006-12-12T14:51:00.000-05:00

Here is a simple test to find out if someone is a Christian, should you ever care to find out without asking directly.

Ask which of the following they prefer:

a) Cup of soup
b) Cup of joe
c) Cup of Christ

The Square For Squares

2006-12-11T13:31:00.000-05:00

Times Square is a popular place for tourists to block traffic (both auto and pedestrian) in their attempt to photograph the space. This is absolutely unnecessary, as anyone can replicate the experience at home.

Assemble a couple dozen TVs and wait for advertisements to appear on all the screens. It shouldn't take more than a few seconds. Once the screens are ablaze with commercials, jump in the shot and have a friend snap away. Voila, instant Times Square.

For added realism and olfactory ambiance, pee in a corner first.

Attention, Attention

2006-12-10T17:29:00.000-05:00

"Video from Dan's 12/8 show at the New York Comedy Club is now or should soon be viewable from the 'Dan's Stand Up' link. He was the host, and he moved the show along with the ease and grace of an easy, graceful host." -Bullhorn

Though redundant, the bullhorn's still telling it like it is.

Where Everybody Knows Your Shame

2006-12-09T11:59:00.000-05:00

When you take your trash and recycling to the curb, if you worry that your neighbors will think you drink too much, you probably drink too much.

All Places Can Be Temples of (Tiny) Doom

2006-12-07T22:09:00.000-05:00

No matter how long a door has been open (be it a few seconds or a few hours), somebody can always "just make it in" as it closes.

Thus, every time a door is shutting, there's a (negligible) fraction of adventure.

You've Got Time

2006-12-06T17:26:00.000-05:00

If you’re interested in mischief you’ll never see play out, try the following prank on ne’er-do-wells.

Get some keys cut. Get some key chains you can write on. On each key/key chain, write a random address somewhere in your city. Scatter these about town.

Sit back, relax and assume some jackass will try to use the keys at the unrelated addresses printed on them. They expected easy entry, only to be foiled by your ruse.

Complicated? A bit. Pointless? Perhaps. Doable? Unlike any mischief involving teleportation, yes.

Social Contract, Not Contact

2006-12-05T16:17:00.000-05:00

When using public transportation, there are basic rules for interacting with fellow passengers. In short, don't.

If it's a sense, you shouldn't use it. That means no: looking at, overhearing, touching, sniffing or tasting*strangers.

To keep everyone comfortable, you should also not use your senses on yourself. People get offended if you: stare at a part of yourself, listen intently to yourself, sniff yourself, taste yourself or touch yourself.*

*That's a big one

Who Will Stand Up For Lies?

2006-12-04T17:44:00.000-05:00

Dishonesty gets a bad rap. Think how much lying has done for you, while asking virtually nothing in return. Isn't it time you did something for deceit?

Start spreading positive lies: those statements that are knowingly untrue but are good for all involved.

For example, let's say you plan to donate to a friend's charity. You know you're going to donate $20, but you should lie and say $10. Everyone wins when you later donate $20. You look good, the charity profits and lies are one step closer to having a good name.

Hello "Hola", Goodbye "Hello"!

2006-12-03T19:40:00.000-05:00

There are simple tricks you can use to learn a new language quickly and easily. For example, each time you learn a word or phrase in the new language, forget a word or phrase you know in your current language.

Little Known, Untrue

2006-12-02T10:02:00.000-05:00

The "got your nose" routine is based on an actual nose-snatching sociopath from Victorian England.

"Got your nose," he'd scream and taunt as he ran away into the night. Over the years it turned into a joke used by anyone who's uncomfortable with children and can't otherwise relate.

Inversely, "give me all your money" started as a schoolyard joke and later evolved into a favored saying among the criminal set.

From A Power Perspective

2006-12-01T14:21:00.000-05:00

The capital of China is Beijing, the capital of the United States is Washington, DC and the capital of Azerbaijan is irrelevant.

Sweet flag, though.

Crime With A Message

2006-11-30T08:31:00.000-05:00

Graffiti with comments like "Joe SuX" or "Joe RulZ" is worthless, from an information stand point. Joe's relative sucking or ruling does little for anyone but Joe.

You can remedy the situation by adding your own scribblings with subtle, informative messages built in:

"Whole Grains 4Life"
"A 401(k) Makes Mad CentZ"
"Volunteering Gets You Laid"

Junkiezzz

2006-11-29T14:20:00.000-05:00

It sucks we only get addicted to things that are bad for us. How come we can't get addicted to something like a good night's sleep?

People would stop at nothing to ensure they got 8 solid hours, every night, even if they didn't feel like it. They'd miss out on social engagements, and it'd certainly affect their personal relationships ("You're so well rested all the time, it's like you're a different person!").

All expendable income would go towards the paraphenalia: high threadcount sheets, down comforters and white noise machines.

New York City or New New York City?

2006-11-27T15:04:00.000-05:00

Since we can (currently) only make plans in the future, anyone who books travel is really a time-travel agent.

Anyone who can book trips to the past is either a liar or the most legitimate time-travel agent to date.*

*To any date, really.

This Reminds Me Of The Future

2006-11-21T22:28:00.000-05:00

Say you have a younger brother. *

If you ever meet someone, and they say "You remind me of your brother," you may appropriately respond, "No, he reminds you of me, you just didn't know that."

*The boys pictured are neither author nor brother (though they are quite probably brothers to each other). They are, however, associated with the top batch of Google Image Search results for "older brother."

Laugh Together, Cry Alone

2006-11-20T18:54:00.000-05:00

Hear that derision? They're not mocking at you, they're mocking with you!

Being Helpful, Creepy

2006-11-18T21:55:00.000-05:00

If you live in a major urban area, do your part to keep the neighborhood safe. Leave post-it notes on apartment doors with subtle reminders to the importance of proper security.

One suggestion: "Your front door was open. Thought you should know. I borrowed sugar." Do not sign your name. Good Samaritans want recognition; great ones don't.

The owner of the apartment will be confused, and possibly weirded out, but certainly more security-conscious.

The Case of Pot Vs. Kettle

2006-11-15T16:03:00.000-05:00

"Judge not lest ye be judged" is itself a kind of judgment.

If someone says this phrase to you, consider yourself judged. You've now got a free pass; let everyone else have it!

Also, taken literally, the saying suggests that convicted felons have a greater right to pass judgment than anyone else.

It's No Comfy Chair, But...

2006-11-14T15:35:00.000-05:00

There's a new horror movie coming out called "Turistas," and it clearly hopes to replicate the success of the recent torture/snuff sensation "Hostel." The movie poster features a girl with the name of the film spelled out on her forehead with stitches.

More troubling than the violence is the inconsistency: if they are torturing her, why did they stitch up the wounds? That promotes healing, and healing is the opposite of hurting. American moviegoers like their torture like they like their recall: total.

Assembly and Additional Critical Components Required

2006-11-13T13:26:00.000-05:00

Sometimes you'll buy a product that features the caveat "batteries not included."

While informative, this warning doesn't say quite what it should.

For greater accuracy, it should state that the "ability to make this work" is not included.

Beauty And The C

2006-11-09T14:16:00.000-05:00

Beauty marks are an odd thing. If you've got one, you're in a dicey situation.

If you're lucky, people will think it makes you look more attractive. If you're unlucky, you may have skin cancer.

Failure Is The New Success

2006-11-08T23:01:00.000-05:00

NYC taxis add a surcharge when your ride encounters particularly slow traffic or congestion. Being NYC, these conditions are encountered virtually every ride.

It's brilliant/evil how they can charge you more for your inconvenience then they could if your trip was obstacle free.

Imagine if your job was so structured. The next time you had a big presentation and it didn't go well (say there's a PowerPoint error or something), it'd be acceptable practice for you to bill those hours as overtime.

HUG MY METAL TORSO*

2006-11-06T17:18:00.000-05:00

The unsaid ending of the phrase "You're only human" is "...not some kind of robot." The expression would be more comforting if it was used in its full form.

Hey, your mistake might be embarrassing, but at least you're flesh and blood and not some kind of mechanical monster. That's a reminder you need when you're down.

Robots (and cyborgs and the like), while incapable of error, can't enjoy recreational drugs, cry plausibly or laugh without sounding evil.

*The robot pictured seems to say.

Without Hyperbole

Erin-Go-Figure

Respect Your Broadleaf Deity

Rule #2

Stumped?

The XXX Men

That's Pussy Talk

The Law of Stare Cease

Mwahahaha! And Also, Ewww

You Can't Lose

With His Lovely Assistant Hannibal Hamlin

Fool Not But Yourself

March Was Porno Month...

Vandals Seldom Correct Grammar

Serves You Right, Twit

Polish Up That Spelling

You Can Only Imagine Two

Freezing Ice Holes

The No Guest Dinner Party

Including Roofing Of A Hot Tin Nature

Talk To Him Anyway

Attention, Attention

Bring The Family!

Jeopardy Themed Heading For $500

Balls To This

A Big -Ing Difference

Seek Self-Help

Reading, Writing, Raising the Dead

Go Honk Yourself

This Makes Sense...No, "Cents"...No, Sense Was Right

Appearing Stupid To Look Good

A Beefy, -Ronied Year

Assuming You're Not Royalty

Demand Answers

Just Do It Privately

Not That You Don't Rule

Good Offense

On My Head?

Who Asked The Monkeys?

Steinway Your Way

Proctological Prose

Protection From Discretion

Trust Us, It's Super

We're Like Peas In A Psycho Pod

No Re-Entry / Escape

Fill In The ______*

Eye Eye, Mate

Found: IDIOT

Recently Heard Lie*

Lambskin Chic

Glady Care On Tuesday For A Problem Today

Face Painting

Get Off (On) The Train

See? SEE?

Boogie Woogie Woogie

Cinemax Vs. SKINemax

See Also: Do More

Oh...The Humanity?

Smooth As A Baby's Non-Existent Bottom

TBD

Synonyms: Ewww, Nasty

New York's Seedy Core

"Authors"? Boo

Set Your Calendar Ahead

Fail To Plan = Plan to Fail

Move The Fat FAST

Wino Wisdom

Control Your Health

Pay Dirt!*

B-Boys, P-Girls

Vampires And Fair-Skinned Individuals Rejoice

Give The Show Some Gas

Florida Is Not Known For Its Puzzle Groves

Size Doesn't Matter

IUDs Create Lots Of Clutter

That's Semantics For You*

Sure, I've Got An Example

See Also: "Beware" and "Free Candy"

Christians Never Say Soup

The Square For Squares